Of the previous manifestos, I align myself thusly – give or take a few percentage points:
Wagstaff: Agree – 85%; Disagree – 7%; Indifferent or Don’t Know – 8%
Dude: Agree – 45%; Disagree – 37%; Don’t Know – 18%
Blot: Agree – 70%; Disagree – 17%; Don’t Know – 13%
Odie: Agree – 33%; Disagree – 34%; Don’t Know – 33%
Ed Copeland: Agree – 20%; Disagree – 50%; Don’t Know – 30%
Ross: Agree – 55%; Disagree – 26%; Don’t Know – 19%
Charlie Parsley - Disagree - 100%
___________________________________
Superficial niceties, even when insincere, play a vital role in civilized society and are preferable than people shrewdly and honestly expressing themselves all the time.
It is generally okay that people talk behind the backs of other people as most people I know cannot handle such talk in front of them.
Backstabbing is different.
Gossip mongers are important to the dissemination of information.
Never provoke an argument if you are a guest in someone’s house.
Gracefully accept gifts and do not return them unless the gift giver has explicitly wished you to do so or the size is wrong, in which case you should replace it with the same thing in the correct size.
Our President is the best friend muslims have. He is saving them from annihilation.
Hell, he is the best friend Freedom has.
President Bush is also the easiest and safest person in the world to criticize. It takes no courage to do so. And you can count on him to be a man about it.
Our two-party system is the best possible system there is. It has proven to withstand having to get by with only one rational side.
Campaign mudslinging and intense partisanship do not mean that the country is going to hell.
Rush Limbaugh is a credit to the conservative movement. He is also one of the wittiest and least racist pundits today.
Grant was a better general than Lee.
The Spanish-American War was just; we needed the coaling stations.
Distrust any declaration that begins with “there should be a law…” or “people should be forced to…”
Generalizing is an important tool for communication. It keeps us all from sounding like French professors.
Nothing is more stubborn than a Japanese girl.
A funny stand-up comedian is the exception to the rule.
Comedians should be referred to as fools, so that they know their rightful place.
The term “comedian” indicates a level of respectability that most stand-ups do not deserve nor should aspire to.
I prefer satire over snark.
“Keeping it real” is a meaningless expression.
A pair of sneakers worn with a tux looks silly and, yet, is not funny in any way.
Clown shoes are funny.
Never appear on television or radio unless you are a trained entertainer.
The two greatest countries for cinema (besides the U.S.) are Italy and Japan. They are also the greatest countries for cuisine.
Ernst Lubitsch is the greatest filmmaker of all time.
Comedies should not exceed 90 minutes. Other movies should not exceed 2 hours. Any exception to the latter should have an intermission and a prelude score that clearly identifies it as an epic. (To paraphrase Billy Wilder on the 90 minute rule: anything over 90 minutes runs double.)
In the animation world: American over anime. Disney over Warner Bros. (though just barely).
B&W Mickey will turn anything, living or dead, into a musical instrument.
Groucho is the funniest man, ever. Harpo is the second.
When you start smelling yourself, that means people have been smelling you for three days.
Never wear a t-shirt that advertises something you respect, unless it was given to you.
In the future, everyone's grandmother will have a tattoo.
The Bible is as relevant today as it was way back when. You can get a better understanding about the world today from it than you can from all the available media and science.
Heaven is preferable to Hell, regardless of where Odie is. My faith advises me that the Grace of God is beyond any notion of coolness or pleasure.
Jesus died for Odie’s sins, as well as the sins of televangelists and all the people Odie despises.
Floaters, not sinkers.
Showing posts with label Manifesto. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Manifesto. Show all posts
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
A Menufesto
By Charlie Parsley
Do what you want whenever you want to. Do what feels good. I believe in the spirit of do. Do what you wanna do when you want to do it.. If it don’t turn you on then you just leave it alone.
That’s about all I’ve got. I feel unable to make any personal opinions about anything. Instead I find myself looking to outside resources. In my youth I made a sincere effort at reading the Bible but I randomly started reading this long list of things that are unclean and what sorts of foods to eat and how to prepare them properly and when a woman is unclean... I read all these particular rules and I considered that this was exactly NOT what I had an interest in. Rules mean nothing to me. They constantly change.
I enjoyed Shakespeare during college and I did learn many a thing from his works. I could continue with a long list here of various and sundry people whose works made an impression on me but I am looking for something to use in a manifesto. I could consult the I Ching or try ESP. Maybe there are extra-terrestrial answers out there. I don’t know for sure.
While we’re figuring it out let’s have a beer. Maybe two beers. Maybe a pizza, if it is dinnertime.
Hey, here’s something. Check this out. I have made an effort to remove time-pieces from my environment. Most of the time I don’t wear a watch or carry a cell phone. There are plenty of clocks everywhere. I also took the alarm clock out of my bedroom. I never want to have an alarm clock again. I sleep on a regular schedule and I usually get up early. It is nice to just pay attention to the sun and moon to estimate the time.
Here’s a thought about money: I would rather trade services and goods for other goods and services instead of exchanging money.
I am completely confused about why anybody has to pay rent or mortgage on a building that is already built and paid for. Maintenance is one thing but rent is bullshit. Imagine if people did not have to pay rent. Wouldn’t quality of life double?
That’s a nice thought to close with. That makes me want to dance. That’s another nice thought to close with. Dancing is good for you. Everybody dance now!
Do what you want whenever you want to. Do what feels good. I believe in the spirit of do. Do what you wanna do when you want to do it.. If it don’t turn you on then you just leave it alone.
That’s about all I’ve got. I feel unable to make any personal opinions about anything. Instead I find myself looking to outside resources. In my youth I made a sincere effort at reading the Bible but I randomly started reading this long list of things that are unclean and what sorts of foods to eat and how to prepare them properly and when a woman is unclean... I read all these particular rules and I considered that this was exactly NOT what I had an interest in. Rules mean nothing to me. They constantly change.
I enjoyed Shakespeare during college and I did learn many a thing from his works. I could continue with a long list here of various and sundry people whose works made an impression on me but I am looking for something to use in a manifesto. I could consult the I Ching or try ESP. Maybe there are extra-terrestrial answers out there. I don’t know for sure.
While we’re figuring it out let’s have a beer. Maybe two beers. Maybe a pizza, if it is dinnertime.
Hey, here’s something. Check this out. I have made an effort to remove time-pieces from my environment. Most of the time I don’t wear a watch or carry a cell phone. There are plenty of clocks everywhere. I also took the alarm clock out of my bedroom. I never want to have an alarm clock again. I sleep on a regular schedule and I usually get up early. It is nice to just pay attention to the sun and moon to estimate the time.
Here’s a thought about money: I would rather trade services and goods for other goods and services instead of exchanging money.
I am completely confused about why anybody has to pay rent or mortgage on a building that is already built and paid for. Maintenance is one thing but rent is bullshit. Imagine if people did not have to pay rent. Wouldn’t quality of life double?
That’s a nice thought to close with. That makes me want to dance. That’s another nice thought to close with. Dancing is good for you. Everybody dance now!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The Rued Manifesto
by Ross Ruediger
Disclaimer: 99.9% of all “facts” should be considered suspect -- humans are too prone to error for anything to be 100% correct.
That said, on with the show…
Art & Media
Some books deserve to be burned.
Most films over two hours probably don’t need to be.
I am incapable of understanding how anyone with whom I’d choose to associate can actively dislike The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
The Wizard of Oz is the single most influential film ever made.
The Godfather flicks are overrated.
Any movie filmed in New Orleans is worth sitting through at least once.
Present day San Antonio has never been accurately portrayed in a major motion picture (and I’ll be damned if I can come up with even a decent TV appearance).
Many movies that take place in either New York or Los Angeles could benefit from being set elsewhere.
Tootsie - the greatest comedy ever made - is not one of them.
The stupidity of Hollywood is clearly demonstrated by its failure to properly tap Dustin Hoffman’s talents over the past 15 or so years. (Wag the Dog is the most noteworthy exception.)
Many consider the ‘70s the best decade for Hollywood films -- this is also true for pornographic films.
Theatrical productions of any nature are better with at least one intermission.
Both Barry Manilow and disco are misunderstood – but that’s all they have in common.
The Beatles were the greatest band of the 20th century. Without them, the soundscape of today would be an entirely different animal…
…which makes me think twice about how great the Beatles actually were.
The most profound idea John Lennon ever put to music was “All You Need is Love”.
His most annoying thoughts, however, can be found in the lyrics of “Imagine”.
The words “Christian” and “Rock” have no business being placed next to one another. Rock ‘n’ Roll is the Devil’s Playground and it always will be no matter how ineptly Christians try to alter that fact.
Johnny Carson will always be the King of Late Night.
Reality TV as we know it today (i.e. since Survivor) has trained viewers to appreciate ongoing storylines on scripted television series.
There’s still value in TV shows without arcing storylines, however a series with an engaging, ongoing story is typically better than most movies.
Aunt Bee was a filthy slut. (I'm sure, however, Frances Bavier was a delightful woman and a professional actress.)
The media should glamorize sex less and masturbation more.
The difference between sci-fi fans and sports fans is negligible…
…yet I am befuddled by those who are both.
The United States, Politics & Religion
The United States of America has largely become a nation of whores.
I don’t believe in the possibility of growing up in this country and not having Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup at least once.
Efficient, reliable, comfortable and cost-effective mass transportation systems are a major key to saving this country.
Age of consent laws often don’t make a whole lot of sense. (Example: Should sexual relations between an 18-year-old girl and a 16-year-old boy ever be considered statutory rape?)
I do not understand why marriage is such a big issue for gay people when it doesn’t even work for most straight folk.
Gay unions should be recognized and given the same breaks -- by both employers and the government -- as straight married folk.
Either marriage or divorce should be banned entirely…I’m still not sure which one, though.
Power unquestionably corrupts; however lacking it does not necessarily make for a more righteous person.
The most vocal members of any group typically give the rest of said group a bad name.
Presidents should be able to get blowjobs when and wherever they choose with the only fear of repercussion being that of their partner.
Talking politics is far less engaging than discussing religion.
The world would be a safer place without organized religion.
The Holy Bible is a great work of art written by men (refer back to Disclaimer above).
Faith is a beautiful concept as long as the individual possessing it doesn’t expect others to be on the same train.
My faith is the belief that humanity far more often than not will do the right thing.
Given humanity’s track record, my faith is the best example of faith as a concept.
Technology & Science
Stuff like electronic equipment, computers and cars were once built to last. Disturbing is the notion that now they are built to break down. Given technological advancements, such items should be built even better, not worse.
Even more disturbing is that most people don’t seem to notice or care.
It’s a huge shame that cell phones are slowly replacing more traditional timepieces.
When the revolution comes, people wearing those stupid Bluetooth (sp?) things in their ears as if they were fashion accessories deserve to be the first ones up against the wall.
If your failed expectations of online friends hurts more than your cleaning lady's failure to properly mop your floor -- you've got big problems.
Dinosaurs are the most fascinating creatures ever to inhabit the Earth…
…which would not be the case if someone could prove the existence of mermaids.
Drugs, Alcohol & Tobacco
There’s no proof that secondhand smoke kills. It may irritate, annoy and give people headaches and/or a minor cough, but it doesn’t kill.
A bar that doesn’t allow smoking is like a bar that doesn’t serve alcohol: It’s not a bar.
People should be able to enjoy a fine meal without a nearby smoker ruining their experience…
…which doesn’t mean restaurants should outlaw smoking sections. Ask any waitress – smokers tend to be better tippers.
Tobacco is harder to kick than any other drug you can name.
The worst drugs for you are already legal.
If marijuana were legal, good quality bud would be much more difficult to come by.
The world would be a better place if everybody dosed on psilocybin mushrooms at least once in their life.
If a person is old enough to be ordered to fight or die in a war, they should also be able to legally buy alcohol.
Gin is evil.
Wine should not be served from a box.
The United States is incapable of producing any good beer.
Folks
The cause of most of humanity’s problems – no matter how big or small – is the breakdown of communication.
The more potentially embarrassing the admission or confession, the more admirable the person.
Everyone should be allowed to keep some secrets.
Women are attracted to power. This can be exploited.
Men are attracted to those who make them feel powerful. This can be exploited.
People who say they do not notice, fantasize about or fixate on anyone other than their partner are lying.
Personal dramas are created by those who don’t have enough to do.
Gays can be just as (if not more) intolerant of other forms of sexuality as straight people are often accused of being.
Human sexuality is more fluid than most people are comfortable admitting.
The only people who can ever really understand a relationship between two people are the two people in the relationship…and they’ll probably never even figure it out.
People can only give what they’re capable of giving. Your expectations of what they should give are your problem.
Black licorice – you either love it or hate it. Nobody’s on the fence.
Never trust a vegetarian…to prepare you a decent cheeseburger.
Laughter really is the best medicine.
---------------------------------------------------
You can read more of Ross Ruediger's deranged, incohesive thoughts at The Rued Morgue.
Disclaimer: 99.9% of all “facts” should be considered suspect -- humans are too prone to error for anything to be 100% correct.
That said, on with the show…
Art & Media
Some books deserve to be burned.
Most films over two hours probably don’t need to be.
I am incapable of understanding how anyone with whom I’d choose to associate can actively dislike The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
The Wizard of Oz is the single most influential film ever made.
The Godfather flicks are overrated.
Any movie filmed in New Orleans is worth sitting through at least once.
Present day San Antonio has never been accurately portrayed in a major motion picture (and I’ll be damned if I can come up with even a decent TV appearance).
Many movies that take place in either New York or Los Angeles could benefit from being set elsewhere.
Tootsie - the greatest comedy ever made - is not one of them.
The stupidity of Hollywood is clearly demonstrated by its failure to properly tap Dustin Hoffman’s talents over the past 15 or so years. (Wag the Dog is the most noteworthy exception.)
Many consider the ‘70s the best decade for Hollywood films -- this is also true for pornographic films.
Theatrical productions of any nature are better with at least one intermission.
Both Barry Manilow and disco are misunderstood – but that’s all they have in common.
The Beatles were the greatest band of the 20th century. Without them, the soundscape of today would be an entirely different animal…
…which makes me think twice about how great the Beatles actually were.
The most profound idea John Lennon ever put to music was “All You Need is Love”.
His most annoying thoughts, however, can be found in the lyrics of “Imagine”.
The words “Christian” and “Rock” have no business being placed next to one another. Rock ‘n’ Roll is the Devil’s Playground and it always will be no matter how ineptly Christians try to alter that fact.
Johnny Carson will always be the King of Late Night.
Reality TV as we know it today (i.e. since Survivor) has trained viewers to appreciate ongoing storylines on scripted television series.
There’s still value in TV shows without arcing storylines, however a series with an engaging, ongoing story is typically better than most movies.
Aunt Bee was a filthy slut. (I'm sure, however, Frances Bavier was a delightful woman and a professional actress.)
The media should glamorize sex less and masturbation more.
The difference between sci-fi fans and sports fans is negligible…
…yet I am befuddled by those who are both.
The United States, Politics & Religion
The United States of America has largely become a nation of whores.
I don’t believe in the possibility of growing up in this country and not having Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup at least once.
Efficient, reliable, comfortable and cost-effective mass transportation systems are a major key to saving this country.
Age of consent laws often don’t make a whole lot of sense. (Example: Should sexual relations between an 18-year-old girl and a 16-year-old boy ever be considered statutory rape?)
I do not understand why marriage is such a big issue for gay people when it doesn’t even work for most straight folk.
Gay unions should be recognized and given the same breaks -- by both employers and the government -- as straight married folk.
Either marriage or divorce should be banned entirely…I’m still not sure which one, though.
Power unquestionably corrupts; however lacking it does not necessarily make for a more righteous person.
The most vocal members of any group typically give the rest of said group a bad name.
Presidents should be able to get blowjobs when and wherever they choose with the only fear of repercussion being that of their partner.
Talking politics is far less engaging than discussing religion.
The world would be a safer place without organized religion.
The Holy Bible is a great work of art written by men (refer back to Disclaimer above).
Faith is a beautiful concept as long as the individual possessing it doesn’t expect others to be on the same train.
My faith is the belief that humanity far more often than not will do the right thing.
Given humanity’s track record, my faith is the best example of faith as a concept.
Technology & Science
Stuff like electronic equipment, computers and cars were once built to last. Disturbing is the notion that now they are built to break down. Given technological advancements, such items should be built even better, not worse.
Even more disturbing is that most people don’t seem to notice or care.
It’s a huge shame that cell phones are slowly replacing more traditional timepieces.
When the revolution comes, people wearing those stupid Bluetooth (sp?) things in their ears as if they were fashion accessories deserve to be the first ones up against the wall.
If your failed expectations of online friends hurts more than your cleaning lady's failure to properly mop your floor -- you've got big problems.
Dinosaurs are the most fascinating creatures ever to inhabit the Earth…
…which would not be the case if someone could prove the existence of mermaids.
Drugs, Alcohol & Tobacco
There’s no proof that secondhand smoke kills. It may irritate, annoy and give people headaches and/or a minor cough, but it doesn’t kill.
A bar that doesn’t allow smoking is like a bar that doesn’t serve alcohol: It’s not a bar.
People should be able to enjoy a fine meal without a nearby smoker ruining their experience…
…which doesn’t mean restaurants should outlaw smoking sections. Ask any waitress – smokers tend to be better tippers.
Tobacco is harder to kick than any other drug you can name.
The worst drugs for you are already legal.
If marijuana were legal, good quality bud would be much more difficult to come by.
The world would be a better place if everybody dosed on psilocybin mushrooms at least once in their life.
If a person is old enough to be ordered to fight or die in a war, they should also be able to legally buy alcohol.
Gin is evil.
Wine should not be served from a box.
The United States is incapable of producing any good beer.
Folks
The cause of most of humanity’s problems – no matter how big or small – is the breakdown of communication.
The more potentially embarrassing the admission or confession, the more admirable the person.
Everyone should be allowed to keep some secrets.
Women are attracted to power. This can be exploited.
Men are attracted to those who make them feel powerful. This can be exploited.
People who say they do not notice, fantasize about or fixate on anyone other than their partner are lying.
Personal dramas are created by those who don’t have enough to do.
Gays can be just as (if not more) intolerant of other forms of sexuality as straight people are often accused of being.
Human sexuality is more fluid than most people are comfortable admitting.
The only people who can ever really understand a relationship between two people are the two people in the relationship…and they’ll probably never even figure it out.
People can only give what they’re capable of giving. Your expectations of what they should give are your problem.
Black licorice – you either love it or hate it. Nobody’s on the fence.
Never trust a vegetarian…to prepare you a decent cheeseburger.
Laughter really is the best medicine.
---------------------------------------------------
You can read more of Ross Ruediger's deranged, incohesive thoughts at The Rued Morgue.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Edward Copeland's Manifesto
By Edward Copeland
If I wanted to, I suppose I could sit down and pound out a fully formed manifesto that would make Ted Kaczynski proud if he deigned to use a computer, but I have neither the time nor the energy for such a venture. Instead, I offer you this stream-of-consciousness list of things I believe as they come to me with no attempt at categorization.
Two things cause all car accidents: Arrogance and a lack of understand of the basic concept of physics.
Movie theater ushers should be issued stun guns to use on people who won't shut up.
Movie theaters should also use the technology available to jam all cell phones within their walls and should feel no need to tell the moviegoers about it.
If your life is so important that you can't be out of touch long enough to see a movie, why the hell are you going to one in the first place?
Only movies that were flawed to begin with should be remade.
Even if 1 out of 10 movies turned into Broadway musicals turn out well, the percentage isn't worth it.
The same goes for TV shows turned into movies.
Democrats are completely incompetent, but they usually mean well.
Republicans are just as incompetent, but they tend to be evil.
Hillary Clinton is George W. Bush with a brain in women's clothing.
That was not an endorsement of Hillary Clinton.
If you truly have a desire to run for president of the United States, you must have a serious psychological flaw.
The reason China has been allowed to become so powerful is because they are the kind of communist we like: Ones we can make money with. Who cares how they treat their people?
Our policy of engagement is an utter failure. Freezing out the Soviet Union led to their fall. Sanctions on South Africa ended apartheid. Engaging China has only put them on the path to eventual world domination.
If I ran for president, my campaign slogan would be "Fuck China."
My problems with the Bush administration can be summed up as follows: It's not about ideology, it's about incompetence.
I believe that, deep down, George H.W. Bush can't believe that this is the son of his who became president and really regrets that it happened that way.
I believe that when all of Dick Cheney's old friends comment about how much he's changed, they may be overlooking a simple answer: People who have serious heart problems and surgeries often end up having huge personality shifts. That's about the most charitable thing you'll ever hear me say about Dick Cheney.
People who use handicap stalls in public rest rooms when there are other options available deserved to be pissed on.
I believe all workplaces would benefit if everyone had Nerf bats with which they could bop idiots on the head. On the downside, there are so many idiots, nothing would ever get done.
Until Disney fires Bob Iger, I will continue my 12 year+ boycott of ABC (which is only lifted once a year for the Oscars).
I haven't shopped in a Wal-Mart since 1986 and I never will again.
I believe Bill Gates' fortune should be seized and divided among every person who has ever suffered under his products. At least when AT&T had a monopoly, the phones tended to work.
Whoever made the decision to release Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket on DVD this year only in a cropped version is insane.
I have never watched even a few seconds of "American Idol" and have no intention to start now.
Someone should really start a cable news network that covers news. I don't care about missing Boy Scouts, missing blondes, Anna Nicole Smith, anything to do with any cruise ship anywhere.
Fox News may claim to be fair and balanced, but they've never claimed to be accurate which may explain why they keep insisting on calling Al Gore an Oscar winner. Al Gore DID NOT WIN AN OSCAR. The director of An Inconvenient Truth, Davis Guggenheim, won the award.
Most of the best documentaries last year weren't nominated anyway.
I truly don't understand why I even know who the hell Paris Hilton is.
Dennis Miller's best line: Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me funnier.
Dennis Miller today is Howard Beale after Ned Beatty gives him the corporate cosmology speech.
Tucker Carlson's best line: Listening to George W. Bush try to finish a sentence is like watching a drunk trying to cross an icy street.
Mark Shields' best line: Stupidity is not a victimless crime.
When the Republican presidential candidates gather for their first debate, I want one of the panelists asking questions to say, "OK — everyone who hasn't cheated on a wife, raise your hand."
Political parties may be one of the worst things ever to happen to this country. If I had the power, I'd shatter them to the winds.
I wish we had a parliamentary system where we could have votes of no-confidence, if only to send Dubya back to Crawford more quickly.
I wish I could be a professional poker player.
Sex is a swindle. Only the saw is true, the saw is family.
I believe that if you agreed to outlaw abortion but to enact a huge tax to pay for the raising and educating of the new children you'd suddenly see a lot more pro-choice Republicans.
My only problem with the death penalty is the possibility of an innocent person being executed. That being said, I think capital punishment should be expanded to include people who talk in theaters.
I respect people who are against both the death penalty and abortion more than people who are only against one or the other. I'm pro choice and pro-death penalty.
I hate that I own a cell phone.
I regret that I'm only fluent in one language.
Everyone talks about the huge salaries movie stars make, but don't you wonder how much someone like M. Emmet Walsh makes in a year?
All contests should be decided in a bracket system like NCAA basketball. That goes for the presidency, the Oscars, everything.
People who walk around with their hands constantly in their pockets make me suspicious.
Part of me dreams of a Jack Nicholson presidency, if only to see him give the State of the Union wearing sunglasses and opening with, "Here is the state of the goddamn union."
I used to be against term limits, feeling they were undemocratic, but now that I see that most people are too stupid to vote out people who need to go, I've changed my mind.
If we have a minimum age to be in the House, the Senate or the Presidency, shouldn't we have a maximum age as well? If you're well past 80, it's time to get to your porch and rock.
I'm against people telling others that it's their "civic duty" to vote. If they don't know what's going on, don't encourage them. Things get screwed up enough by the ones who vote who think they know what's going on to afford adding more ignorance to the equation.
If a time machine existed, I can never decide where I'd want to go first: to Dealey Plaza in 1963 to answer the mysteries of the JFK assassination or to be able to see Ethel Merman perform "Gypsy" on Broadway.
Actually, in the past year, I imagine the date I would choose would be far more recent than either of those.
If I wanted to, I suppose I could sit down and pound out a fully formed manifesto that would make Ted Kaczynski proud if he deigned to use a computer, but I have neither the time nor the energy for such a venture. Instead, I offer you this stream-of-consciousness list of things I believe as they come to me with no attempt at categorization.
Two things cause all car accidents: Arrogance and a lack of understand of the basic concept of physics.
Movie theater ushers should be issued stun guns to use on people who won't shut up.
Movie theaters should also use the technology available to jam all cell phones within their walls and should feel no need to tell the moviegoers about it.
If your life is so important that you can't be out of touch long enough to see a movie, why the hell are you going to one in the first place?
Only movies that were flawed to begin with should be remade.
Even if 1 out of 10 movies turned into Broadway musicals turn out well, the percentage isn't worth it.
The same goes for TV shows turned into movies.
Democrats are completely incompetent, but they usually mean well.
Republicans are just as incompetent, but they tend to be evil.
Hillary Clinton is George W. Bush with a brain in women's clothing.
That was not an endorsement of Hillary Clinton.
If you truly have a desire to run for president of the United States, you must have a serious psychological flaw.
The reason China has been allowed to become so powerful is because they are the kind of communist we like: Ones we can make money with. Who cares how they treat their people?
Our policy of engagement is an utter failure. Freezing out the Soviet Union led to their fall. Sanctions on South Africa ended apartheid. Engaging China has only put them on the path to eventual world domination.
If I ran for president, my campaign slogan would be "Fuck China."
My problems with the Bush administration can be summed up as follows: It's not about ideology, it's about incompetence.
I believe that, deep down, George H.W. Bush can't believe that this is the son of his who became president and really regrets that it happened that way.
I believe that when all of Dick Cheney's old friends comment about how much he's changed, they may be overlooking a simple answer: People who have serious heart problems and surgeries often end up having huge personality shifts. That's about the most charitable thing you'll ever hear me say about Dick Cheney.
People who use handicap stalls in public rest rooms when there are other options available deserved to be pissed on.
I believe all workplaces would benefit if everyone had Nerf bats with which they could bop idiots on the head. On the downside, there are so many idiots, nothing would ever get done.
Until Disney fires Bob Iger, I will continue my 12 year+ boycott of ABC (which is only lifted once a year for the Oscars).
I haven't shopped in a Wal-Mart since 1986 and I never will again.
I believe Bill Gates' fortune should be seized and divided among every person who has ever suffered under his products. At least when AT&T had a monopoly, the phones tended to work.
Whoever made the decision to release Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket on DVD this year only in a cropped version is insane.
I have never watched even a few seconds of "American Idol" and have no intention to start now.
Someone should really start a cable news network that covers news. I don't care about missing Boy Scouts, missing blondes, Anna Nicole Smith, anything to do with any cruise ship anywhere.
Fox News may claim to be fair and balanced, but they've never claimed to be accurate which may explain why they keep insisting on calling Al Gore an Oscar winner. Al Gore DID NOT WIN AN OSCAR. The director of An Inconvenient Truth, Davis Guggenheim, won the award.
Most of the best documentaries last year weren't nominated anyway.
I truly don't understand why I even know who the hell Paris Hilton is.
Dennis Miller's best line: Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me funnier.
Dennis Miller today is Howard Beale after Ned Beatty gives him the corporate cosmology speech.
Tucker Carlson's best line: Listening to George W. Bush try to finish a sentence is like watching a drunk trying to cross an icy street.
Mark Shields' best line: Stupidity is not a victimless crime.
When the Republican presidential candidates gather for their first debate, I want one of the panelists asking questions to say, "OK — everyone who hasn't cheated on a wife, raise your hand."
Political parties may be one of the worst things ever to happen to this country. If I had the power, I'd shatter them to the winds.
I wish we had a parliamentary system where we could have votes of no-confidence, if only to send Dubya back to Crawford more quickly.
I wish I could be a professional poker player.
Sex is a swindle. Only the saw is true, the saw is family.
I believe that if you agreed to outlaw abortion but to enact a huge tax to pay for the raising and educating of the new children you'd suddenly see a lot more pro-choice Republicans.
My only problem with the death penalty is the possibility of an innocent person being executed. That being said, I think capital punishment should be expanded to include people who talk in theaters.
I respect people who are against both the death penalty and abortion more than people who are only against one or the other. I'm pro choice and pro-death penalty.
I hate that I own a cell phone.
I regret that I'm only fluent in one language.
Everyone talks about the huge salaries movie stars make, but don't you wonder how much someone like M. Emmet Walsh makes in a year?
All contests should be decided in a bracket system like NCAA basketball. That goes for the presidency, the Oscars, everything.
People who walk around with their hands constantly in their pockets make me suspicious.
Part of me dreams of a Jack Nicholson presidency, if only to see him give the State of the Union wearing sunglasses and opening with, "Here is the state of the goddamn union."
I used to be against term limits, feeling they were undemocratic, but now that I see that most people are too stupid to vote out people who need to go, I've changed my mind.
If we have a minimum age to be in the House, the Senate or the Presidency, shouldn't we have a maximum age as well? If you're well past 80, it's time to get to your porch and rock.
I'm against people telling others that it's their "civic duty" to vote. If they don't know what's going on, don't encourage them. Things get screwed up enough by the ones who vote who think they know what's going on to afford adding more ignorance to the equation.
If a time machine existed, I can never decide where I'd want to go first: to Dealey Plaza in 1963 to answer the mysteries of the JFK assassination or to be able to see Ethel Merman perform "Gypsy" on Broadway.
Actually, in the past year, I imagine the date I would choose would be far more recent than either of those.
Monday, March 19, 2007
The OdieNator Manifesto
Since everyone else is embroiled in the fine art of the Manifesto, I too shall throw my hat into the ring. But be warned: The Odienator Manifesto (the "OdieFesto" to its friends) discusses things one is told not to discuss in polite company: sex, religion, politics and race. Still reading? Herewith, the OdieFesto.
All About Eve, if Eve were played by the Odienator
The only one who could ever reach me was the son of a preacher man.
I am the son of a preacher man.
You can get me to do almost anything by giving me a foot massage.
I aspire to the level of creative profanity executed by my mother.
I am a genius, which means I am preternaturally good at one thing.
Unfortunately, that one thing isn't fucking.
Polly-Ticks
I will never vote for a Republican for President, even if Jesus were the candidate.
I voted Republican once. That candidate turned out to have a fondness for frisking innocent Black men in photo opportunities. I learned my lesson.
The Democratic Party can teach a master class on political implosion. They have practically been given Congress by a fed up American public, and they're still afraid of Fox News Network.
America is too big and too populous a country to have only two major political parties.
The one thing Republicans and Democrats have in common is that they will do or say anything to win.
Hillary Clinton's Southern accent sounds as Down South as Martha's Vineyard.
When a candidate evades a question, they believe the unpopular answer and don't want to tell us.
Americans says they are ready for a female or a Black president. America is lying.
Ted Kennedy has a deal with the Devil.
So does Dick Cheney.
Disagree with the president before W and you're a hero. Disagree with W and you're anti-American, anti-troops and should be tried for treason.
I disagree with the President.
I think the children of politicians, including a President, should be forced to serve in any war their parents declared.
Not every country wants democracy.
De Lawd and other Religious Stuff
I was raised Baptist, which means I'm supposed to care about your soul and try to help you live righteously.
I don't give a fuck about your soul. I want company in Hell.
God exists, but not the way all these religions tell us.
When we're born, we are given one gift from God. We are also given one gift from the Devil. The key is to figure out which one is which. Free will is the means to choose which gift you use.
God loves gay people. God hates hypocrites and people who use His name to further their agenda. He will put lightning in their assholes.
When Jesus comes back, the first place He's going is to the televangelists. "Where's all that money you raised for me?" He will ask.
Atheists try just as hard to convert Christians as Christians try to convert non-Christians. The atheists are just as snide and self-righteous as Christians when they try.
Hell is going to be crowded. Heaven will have six people in it.
Church never makes Heaven sound cool. The streets are paved with gold, but those in Heaven have no need for riches. You'll worship de Lawd all day and all night, and there's no sex. It sounds like the Bible Belt. Hell, on the other hand, is all fire and brimstone and burning, with a different torture every day. At least it's spontaneous.
God is too busy to tell George W. Bush what to do. God is too busy to tell anyone what to do. This is why He invented free will. It freed up His time for golf.
Religion is the lottery of the impoverished.
When the Virgin Mary appears on a grilled cheese sandwich, you know Heaven needs a better F/X budget. Things should get flashier when George Lucas drops dead. He'll bring ILM up there.
People always think miracles are these grandiose spectacles. While big miracles do happen, most miracles can be found in small gestures. So please look for little miracles, and be thankful for them. Remember, Heaven's F/X budget sucks ass.
The Telly
Fox News Network is a bed of hate speech, homophobia and dunderheaded commentators.
CNN isn't much better.
There are 24 hours in a day, but Black Entertainment Television (BET) can't find anything that is uplifting to Blacks, educational or of worth to put on.
I liked it better when there were just 3 networks.
Angela Lansbury was killing all those people on Murder, She Wrote.
Reality TV, in addition to proving Paddy Chayevsky right, is the first sign of the Apocalypse.
The Geico Gekko is the most annoying spokesperson in history.
Turner Classic Movies is the greatest channel ever created.
Most TV newscasts are made up of a male and a female anchor person who are fucking each other.
Men, Women, and Ess-E-Ex
Men don't know what women want.
Neither do women.
A woman will love you with her heart and soul, but if you turn that heart black, a woman will do her best to destroy you.
Everyone should know what it's like to kiss someone of their gender.
Every homophobe secretly wants to have gay sex. Their biggest fear is that they'll enjoy it.
Which they will.
A man will tell you any information you want if you ask him right before he ejaculates.
Bi-sexuals are greedy. Lucky, but greedy nonetheless.
Multiply by three the number of sex partners a woman claims she has had.
Divide by three the number of sex partners a man claims he has had.
Do the same with the number of inches he tells you his erection is.
My erection is 25.5 inches long.
Any sexual thing that is done between consenting adults is fair game. The operative words are CONSENTING ADULTS.
Pedophiles should be put to death.
If you have to call your child's father "my baby daddy," you're a slut.
The only difference between a slut and a stud is the double standard.
Waiting until marriage to have sex results in very unsatisfied wives.
I'll support banning abortion when the government stops pumping millions into bullshit abstinence only sex ed programs.
If gay people want to be as miserable as straight people, then they should be allowed to marry.
If they do pass gay marriage, any church has the right to refuse to perform the ceremony. I got married at City Hall. If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for gay people.
Physics tells us for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So, if religious therapy can turn gay people into straight people, there must be a therapy that does turns straight people gay. And no, it's not called "mothers."
A woman can be seduced by carefully selected words. Show a guy a tit or an elbow and he's ready to go.
Women, stop referring to men as dogs. Since you are the female of this species of dogs, you are implicitly calling yourselves bitches.
Every war, every fight, every stupid decision in this world stems from men worrying about whose dick is bigger.
It's OK to look to find out.
Race and Sounds of Blackness
"You speak so well" is not a compliment. It is a slight poorly disguised as a compliment.
The next person who tells me I speak so well is going to learn that I cuss even better.
Unless you're a minority, you have no clue what it is like to be one.
Any company in existence today that made money off slaves should pay reparations, starting with the cotton and tobacco industries.
Auctions scare the hell out of Black people.
So does the St. Patrick's Day Parade.
Being called the n-word feels much differently when a Black person does it to me than when a White person does.
I still don't like it either way.
I hate watermelon, and I sincerely believe the only reason I do is because it's a stereotype.
There is positivity in rap, but since it doesn't sell records, our faces are rubbed in the negativity.
Lou Reed and Johnny Cash are both great White rappers. Vanilla Ice and Rex Harrison are not.
Rap music's biggest consumer group is suburban White kids who believe all Black people are like Jay-Z, Biggie and 'Pac, and who secretly long to have dap in the ghetto. These kids wouldn't last five seconds in the neighborhood where I grew up.
I envy my parents' generation. They had such great Black leaders like Dr. King and Malcolm X.
The Black youth of today needs to be reminded that people died so they can have the freedoms they do.
A person of any race should be free to marry/screw/fall in love with a person of any other race, just as one should be allowed to have a preference for doing the same solely with one's own race.
Dope and other things that kill you
All drugs should be legal.
But if you're caught doing something illegal under the influence, they should jail you as if drugs were still illegal.
I should be allowed to destroy myself with trans fat.
Whoever convinced Frito Lay to start frying potato chips with sunflower oil should be shot.
Never trust a vegetarian.
It's OK for you to smoke in my presence only if it's OK for me to masturbate in yours. You gotta support your habit, I have to support mine.
....and all that Jazz
Bob Fosse is a genius.
I'm anti-fur. I'm also anti-PETA.
"Love Will Keep Us Together" by the Captain and Tenille is the catchiest bad song ever written.
Every manifesto should have a swipe at prior manifesti.
Kylie Minogue is an agent of Satan. She is super-hot because she is from Hell.
The use of an excessively learned vocabulary makes one look like a dork, and will guarantee he will not get any pussy.
Jeffrey should do a manifesto. We have shown him ours; we demand to see his.
Arts majors are evil and must be destroyed.
The only thing I learned in college is how to write programming code. This has made me a lot of money.
The only thing I learned in high school is that everyone thought I was gay. The guy they thought was Mr. Macho actually turned out to be the gay guy in my class.
Alcohol is a poor excuse for sleeping with anybody.
Yoko Ono music should only be used in torture situations. Same thing with Bjork.
Mel Gibson is crazy as shit. But I still love the first Lethal Weapon.
I always root for the bull at the rodeo. I even have a sign that says Bull 3:16 on it.
All About Eve, if Eve were played by the Odienator
The only one who could ever reach me was the son of a preacher man.
I am the son of a preacher man.
You can get me to do almost anything by giving me a foot massage.
I aspire to the level of creative profanity executed by my mother.
I am a genius, which means I am preternaturally good at one thing.
Unfortunately, that one thing isn't fucking.
Polly-Ticks
I will never vote for a Republican for President, even if Jesus were the candidate.
I voted Republican once. That candidate turned out to have a fondness for frisking innocent Black men in photo opportunities. I learned my lesson.
The Democratic Party can teach a master class on political implosion. They have practically been given Congress by a fed up American public, and they're still afraid of Fox News Network.
America is too big and too populous a country to have only two major political parties.
The one thing Republicans and Democrats have in common is that they will do or say anything to win.
Hillary Clinton's Southern accent sounds as Down South as Martha's Vineyard.
When a candidate evades a question, they believe the unpopular answer and don't want to tell us.
Americans says they are ready for a female or a Black president. America is lying.
Ted Kennedy has a deal with the Devil.
So does Dick Cheney.
Disagree with the president before W and you're a hero. Disagree with W and you're anti-American, anti-troops and should be tried for treason.
I disagree with the President.
I think the children of politicians, including a President, should be forced to serve in any war their parents declared.
Not every country wants democracy.
De Lawd and other Religious Stuff
I was raised Baptist, which means I'm supposed to care about your soul and try to help you live righteously.
I don't give a fuck about your soul. I want company in Hell.
God exists, but not the way all these religions tell us.
When we're born, we are given one gift from God. We are also given one gift from the Devil. The key is to figure out which one is which. Free will is the means to choose which gift you use.
God loves gay people. God hates hypocrites and people who use His name to further their agenda. He will put lightning in their assholes.
When Jesus comes back, the first place He's going is to the televangelists. "Where's all that money you raised for me?" He will ask.
Atheists try just as hard to convert Christians as Christians try to convert non-Christians. The atheists are just as snide and self-righteous as Christians when they try.
Hell is going to be crowded. Heaven will have six people in it.
Church never makes Heaven sound cool. The streets are paved with gold, but those in Heaven have no need for riches. You'll worship de Lawd all day and all night, and there's no sex. It sounds like the Bible Belt. Hell, on the other hand, is all fire and brimstone and burning, with a different torture every day. At least it's spontaneous.
God is too busy to tell George W. Bush what to do. God is too busy to tell anyone what to do. This is why He invented free will. It freed up His time for golf.
Religion is the lottery of the impoverished.
When the Virgin Mary appears on a grilled cheese sandwich, you know Heaven needs a better F/X budget. Things should get flashier when George Lucas drops dead. He'll bring ILM up there.
People always think miracles are these grandiose spectacles. While big miracles do happen, most miracles can be found in small gestures. So please look for little miracles, and be thankful for them. Remember, Heaven's F/X budget sucks ass.
The Telly
Fox News Network is a bed of hate speech, homophobia and dunderheaded commentators.
CNN isn't much better.
There are 24 hours in a day, but Black Entertainment Television (BET) can't find anything that is uplifting to Blacks, educational or of worth to put on.
I liked it better when there were just 3 networks.
Angela Lansbury was killing all those people on Murder, She Wrote.
Reality TV, in addition to proving Paddy Chayevsky right, is the first sign of the Apocalypse.
The Geico Gekko is the most annoying spokesperson in history.
Turner Classic Movies is the greatest channel ever created.
Most TV newscasts are made up of a male and a female anchor person who are fucking each other.
Men, Women, and Ess-E-Ex
Men don't know what women want.
Neither do women.
A woman will love you with her heart and soul, but if you turn that heart black, a woman will do her best to destroy you.
Everyone should know what it's like to kiss someone of their gender.
Every homophobe secretly wants to have gay sex. Their biggest fear is that they'll enjoy it.
Which they will.
A man will tell you any information you want if you ask him right before he ejaculates.
Bi-sexuals are greedy. Lucky, but greedy nonetheless.
Multiply by three the number of sex partners a woman claims she has had.
Divide by three the number of sex partners a man claims he has had.
Do the same with the number of inches he tells you his erection is.
My erection is 25.5 inches long.
Any sexual thing that is done between consenting adults is fair game. The operative words are CONSENTING ADULTS.
Pedophiles should be put to death.
If you have to call your child's father "my baby daddy," you're a slut.
The only difference between a slut and a stud is the double standard.
Waiting until marriage to have sex results in very unsatisfied wives.
I'll support banning abortion when the government stops pumping millions into bullshit abstinence only sex ed programs.
If gay people want to be as miserable as straight people, then they should be allowed to marry.
If they do pass gay marriage, any church has the right to refuse to perform the ceremony. I got married at City Hall. If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for gay people.
Physics tells us for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So, if religious therapy can turn gay people into straight people, there must be a therapy that does turns straight people gay. And no, it's not called "mothers."
A woman can be seduced by carefully selected words. Show a guy a tit or an elbow and he's ready to go.
Women, stop referring to men as dogs. Since you are the female of this species of dogs, you are implicitly calling yourselves bitches.
Every war, every fight, every stupid decision in this world stems from men worrying about whose dick is bigger.
It's OK to look to find out.
Race and Sounds of Blackness
"You speak so well" is not a compliment. It is a slight poorly disguised as a compliment.
The next person who tells me I speak so well is going to learn that I cuss even better.
Unless you're a minority, you have no clue what it is like to be one.
Any company in existence today that made money off slaves should pay reparations, starting with the cotton and tobacco industries.
Auctions scare the hell out of Black people.
So does the St. Patrick's Day Parade.
Being called the n-word feels much differently when a Black person does it to me than when a White person does.
I still don't like it either way.
I hate watermelon, and I sincerely believe the only reason I do is because it's a stereotype.
There is positivity in rap, but since it doesn't sell records, our faces are rubbed in the negativity.
Lou Reed and Johnny Cash are both great White rappers. Vanilla Ice and Rex Harrison are not.
Rap music's biggest consumer group is suburban White kids who believe all Black people are like Jay-Z, Biggie and 'Pac, and who secretly long to have dap in the ghetto. These kids wouldn't last five seconds in the neighborhood where I grew up.
I envy my parents' generation. They had such great Black leaders like Dr. King and Malcolm X.
The Black youth of today needs to be reminded that people died so they can have the freedoms they do.
A person of any race should be free to marry/screw/fall in love with a person of any other race, just as one should be allowed to have a preference for doing the same solely with one's own race.
Dope and other things that kill you
All drugs should be legal.
But if you're caught doing something illegal under the influence, they should jail you as if drugs were still illegal.
I should be allowed to destroy myself with trans fat.
Whoever convinced Frito Lay to start frying potato chips with sunflower oil should be shot.
Never trust a vegetarian.
It's OK for you to smoke in my presence only if it's OK for me to masturbate in yours. You gotta support your habit, I have to support mine.
....and all that Jazz
Bob Fosse is a genius.
I'm anti-fur. I'm also anti-PETA.
"Love Will Keep Us Together" by the Captain and Tenille is the catchiest bad song ever written.
Every manifesto should have a swipe at prior manifesti.
Kylie Minogue is an agent of Satan. She is super-hot because she is from Hell.
The use of an excessively learned vocabulary makes one look like a dork, and will guarantee he will not get any pussy.
Jeffrey should do a manifesto. We have shown him ours; we demand to see his.
Arts majors are evil and must be destroyed.
The only thing I learned in college is how to write programming code. This has made me a lot of money.
The only thing I learned in high school is that everyone thought I was gay. The guy they thought was Mr. Macho actually turned out to be the gay guy in my class.
Alcohol is a poor excuse for sleeping with anybody.
Yoko Ono music should only be used in torture situations. Same thing with Bjork.
Mel Gibson is crazy as shit. But I still love the first Lethal Weapon.
I always root for the bull at the rodeo. I even have a sign that says Bull 3:16 on it.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Manifesti a Poppin'--or--The Blot Manifesto
As the season of Manifesti seems to be upon us, I thought I would throw my cap into the ring.
Fools, like Polonius' "neither a borrower nor a lender be; to thine own self be true, etc" often have wise things to say.
They are still fools.
The only truly useful thing I learned in High School was how to type.
The only useful thing I learned in Graduate School was how to keep my mouth shut.
I forgot this soon afterwards.
Life begins at Conception.
Outlawing all abortion is a practical and moral impossibilty.
If post-menopausal women and sterile men can get married, then gays and lesbians should be able to as well. Read the the 14th amendment to the Constitution.
America is the greatest country on earth. However, we don't get everything right, and can still learn from others.
God exists, but everything else is open to debate.
The second Amendment secures all the others.
I hate guns.
To willingly obey an unjust law is to actively participate in injustice.
By voting, you agree to abide by the results, whatever they may be.
Mozart, J.S. Bach, and Beethoven are all overrated.
Purcell, Vaughn Williams, Haydn, and Byrd are conversely underrated.
Creating art requires more than an expression of "feelings"...you have to know what the hell you're doing and why.
Picasso, Dali, Van Gogh, Renoir, Monet, Da Vinci(as a painter), and Leichtenstein are all waaaaay overrated.
Manet, Caravaggio, Titian, Pollack, Homer, Braque, and Feininger are all underrated...but not waaaay so, except maybe Feininger.
Acting as an art is achieved by very few...as a craft however, it is eminently learnable by a person with a normal intelligence and healthy emotional range.
Pity Keanu Reeves.
Comedy is harder than drama.
The theater world is full of betrayal and lies...a large portion of which cannot be attributed to anything but good intentions unfulfilled.
Saying you're going to do something is not the same as doing it.
Knowing is not half the battle...it is only about 15 percent.
Nowadays, to be a successful graphic artist one need merely know how to talk convincingly about it.
The use of an excessively learned vocabulary makes one physically irresistible to young people of both sexes.
A self-deluding narcissism is the destroyer of dreams.
It is not necessary to read impressive books to gain the admiration of others. Merely buy them and carry them around, advancing an obviously large bookmark 50-100 pages a day. Slower makes you look plodding, and faster...shallow.
Doing something very well is no guarantee of success. People have to actually want you to do it.
Staying very slender past youth is only possible for those blessed with a high metabolism, or for the self-absorbed. (I'm 36, 5'11", and 155 lbs, and have a slow metabolism...you do the math).
Self-absorbtion is vital to the success of an artist.
Self-justification is the first refuge of a scoundrel.
Charles Dickens is much better than Americans credit him.
Mark Twain isn't.
Jane Austen is better than either one.
Reality TV's everyman gladiatorial combats merely serve to highlight the similarities between the decay of modern Western Civilization and that of the Romans. That, and the dearth of writing talent in Hollywood.
The Simpsons is still the cleverest half-hour on TV. Sadly.
Andrew Lloyd Webber is crap.
Dolly Parton is a national treasure.
The wrong Bush won in 1994.
Pat Buchanan is often right. He's still an insufferable jerk and anti-semite.
Dick Morris is almost never right.
Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, and John Edwards are all lightweights.
G W Bush is smarter than it is now fashionable to admit; that is still way dumber than his brother, however.
Hillary is not nearly as smart as Bill, but thinks she's a lot smarter.
Fake southern accents should be punishable by 30 days in the county jail...where real southern accents will probably be heard.
Thames or Estuary Sludge, or Cockney English are not classy or sophisticated, and it is infuriating when non-British, especially American, teenagers find them so.
Cruelty should not be mistaken for Wit.
Tourists learn very little about the countries they visit, other than what they look like.
Port wine is a necessary indulgence.
One should never, ever sleep with a colleague...unless they're really hot.
Sow your wild oats in your teens and early twenties. It looks ridiculous when you're over 35.
Meat and Fat are good for you; butter, butter, butter!
Vegetarianism leads to illogical thought.
Atheism is as much a belief as any other...and just as impossible to prove.
The ability to read music should be considered a basic and fundamental part of a child's education.
Outcomes-Based Education is Indoctrination.
History is being constantly, and often dishonestly, rewritten.
A personal manifesto should always include a swipe its immediate predecessor.
There is nothing further to be learned from Kylie Minogue.
Brittany Spears is not a particulary attractive bald person.
Good Science Fiction should be taken more seriously than it is.
Being considered an intellectual doesn't make you one.
Considering yourself an intellectual almost always precludes the possibility of being one.
I have a sneaking suspicion I'm not nearly as smart as I think I am.
Self-deprecation is a great way to wrong-foot personal foes. But, be careful not to give them too much ammo.
The English don't speak English nearly as well as the English think they speak English.
I prefer to have second-rate originals on my walls to first-rate prints.
The aggregate intelligence of the world has stayed the same for the past 250 years, but is being shared by more and more people.
Audiences, taken en masse, are more often right than are critics.
A fancy hotel room is a poor substitute for your own home, however modest.
Manifesti are an enormous, self-indulgent waste of time.
Exceptions to this rule include your own, those of your friends, and those with which you wholeheartedly concur(this last category is chimerical).
LP's have a warmer and sweeter sound than CD's.
The answers to most of life's problems would be obvious (and more exciting) if we were all rich, dumb, living in a Wodehousian England, and posessed of a gentleman's gentleman named Jeeves.
Yours in perpetuity(or until I find something better to do),
Escutcheon Blot
Fools, like Polonius' "neither a borrower nor a lender be; to thine own self be true, etc" often have wise things to say.
They are still fools.
The only truly useful thing I learned in High School was how to type.
The only useful thing I learned in Graduate School was how to keep my mouth shut.
I forgot this soon afterwards.
Life begins at Conception.
Outlawing all abortion is a practical and moral impossibilty.
If post-menopausal women and sterile men can get married, then gays and lesbians should be able to as well. Read the the 14th amendment to the Constitution.
America is the greatest country on earth. However, we don't get everything right, and can still learn from others.
God exists, but everything else is open to debate.
The second Amendment secures all the others.
I hate guns.
To willingly obey an unjust law is to actively participate in injustice.
By voting, you agree to abide by the results, whatever they may be.
Mozart, J.S. Bach, and Beethoven are all overrated.
Purcell, Vaughn Williams, Haydn, and Byrd are conversely underrated.
Creating art requires more than an expression of "feelings"...you have to know what the hell you're doing and why.
Picasso, Dali, Van Gogh, Renoir, Monet, Da Vinci(as a painter), and Leichtenstein are all waaaaay overrated.
Manet, Caravaggio, Titian, Pollack, Homer, Braque, and Feininger are all underrated...but not waaaay so, except maybe Feininger.
Acting as an art is achieved by very few...as a craft however, it is eminently learnable by a person with a normal intelligence and healthy emotional range.
Pity Keanu Reeves.
Comedy is harder than drama.
The theater world is full of betrayal and lies...a large portion of which cannot be attributed to anything but good intentions unfulfilled.
Saying you're going to do something is not the same as doing it.
Knowing is not half the battle...it is only about 15 percent.
Nowadays, to be a successful graphic artist one need merely know how to talk convincingly about it.
The use of an excessively learned vocabulary makes one physically irresistible to young people of both sexes.
A self-deluding narcissism is the destroyer of dreams.
It is not necessary to read impressive books to gain the admiration of others. Merely buy them and carry them around, advancing an obviously large bookmark 50-100 pages a day. Slower makes you look plodding, and faster...shallow.
Doing something very well is no guarantee of success. People have to actually want you to do it.
Staying very slender past youth is only possible for those blessed with a high metabolism, or for the self-absorbed. (I'm 36, 5'11", and 155 lbs, and have a slow metabolism...you do the math).
Self-absorbtion is vital to the success of an artist.
Self-justification is the first refuge of a scoundrel.
Charles Dickens is much better than Americans credit him.
Mark Twain isn't.
Jane Austen is better than either one.
Reality TV's everyman gladiatorial combats merely serve to highlight the similarities between the decay of modern Western Civilization and that of the Romans. That, and the dearth of writing talent in Hollywood.
The Simpsons is still the cleverest half-hour on TV. Sadly.
Andrew Lloyd Webber is crap.
Dolly Parton is a national treasure.
The wrong Bush won in 1994.
Pat Buchanan is often right. He's still an insufferable jerk and anti-semite.
Dick Morris is almost never right.
Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, and John Edwards are all lightweights.
G W Bush is smarter than it is now fashionable to admit; that is still way dumber than his brother, however.
Hillary is not nearly as smart as Bill, but thinks she's a lot smarter.
Fake southern accents should be punishable by 30 days in the county jail...where real southern accents will probably be heard.
Thames or Estuary Sludge, or Cockney English are not classy or sophisticated, and it is infuriating when non-British, especially American, teenagers find them so.
Cruelty should not be mistaken for Wit.
Tourists learn very little about the countries they visit, other than what they look like.
Port wine is a necessary indulgence.
One should never, ever sleep with a colleague...unless they're really hot.
Sow your wild oats in your teens and early twenties. It looks ridiculous when you're over 35.
Meat and Fat are good for you; butter, butter, butter!
Vegetarianism leads to illogical thought.
Atheism is as much a belief as any other...and just as impossible to prove.
The ability to read music should be considered a basic and fundamental part of a child's education.
Outcomes-Based Education is Indoctrination.
History is being constantly, and often dishonestly, rewritten.
A personal manifesto should always include a swipe its immediate predecessor.
There is nothing further to be learned from Kylie Minogue.
Brittany Spears is not a particulary attractive bald person.
Good Science Fiction should be taken more seriously than it is.
Being considered an intellectual doesn't make you one.
Considering yourself an intellectual almost always precludes the possibility of being one.
I have a sneaking suspicion I'm not nearly as smart as I think I am.
Self-deprecation is a great way to wrong-foot personal foes. But, be careful not to give them too much ammo.
The English don't speak English nearly as well as the English think they speak English.
I prefer to have second-rate originals on my walls to first-rate prints.
The aggregate intelligence of the world has stayed the same for the past 250 years, but is being shared by more and more people.
Audiences, taken en masse, are more often right than are critics.
A fancy hotel room is a poor substitute for your own home, however modest.
Manifesti are an enormous, self-indulgent waste of time.
Exceptions to this rule include your own, those of your friends, and those with which you wholeheartedly concur(this last category is chimerical).
LP's have a warmer and sweeter sound than CD's.
The answers to most of life's problems would be obvious (and more exciting) if we were all rich, dumb, living in a Wodehousian England, and posessed of a gentleman's gentleman named Jeeves.
Yours in perpetuity(or until I find something better to do),
Escutcheon Blot
Saturday, March 03, 2007
The Dude Abides: Another Liverputty Manifesto
Wagstaff posted his manifesto some time back, so I figured I ought to stake out my philosophical ground.
Never trust people who refer to themselves in the third person.
Results matter.
I believe Finknottle has the answers to all my questions, if only I knew how to phrase them.
You can’t say reducing dependency on foreign oil is important, but oppose drilling on domestic soil. Likewise, you can’t make the same statement and ignore funding renewable energy research.
Everyone should move away from their home state for at least part of their early adult life.
Ice-T was the voice of Freedom Williams on C&C Music Factory’s “Gonna Make You Sweat.”
Never say “I love you” if you don’t mean it.
William Shatner is a good example of living well.
The Army is a great place to learn, if you’re fortunate enough to survive.
There are 2 causes for what is considered evil: 1) natural catastrophes, such as tsunamis and tornadoes, which are just a matter of how the world functions 2) free will. The things that people do to each other, and especially children, are a tremendous price to pay for free will. I try not to think too much about whether the good really outweighs the bad.
The Rolling Stones are a better band than the Beatles. Yes, yes, John and Paul are better songwriters, but all around, the Stones are a better overall band.
Life is easier when reason is your guide; unfortunately, you still have to deal with everyone else.
The Fairness Doctrine should be restored by the FCC.
The only way for Hunter S. Thompson to go was suicide.
If those who blocked abortion clinics, harassed abortion providers, and displayed larger-than-life posters of mangled fetuses in front of toy stores put their time and energy into promoting adoption, they would be more effective in eliminating abortions.
Keith Richards must know something about longevity.
Presidential debates should be open to any candidate who can get on the ballot in a majority of states. The candidates should not get the questions in advance.
James Brown was really the Godfather of Funk, not the Godfather of Soul.
I believe that being outwardly religious does not necessarily correlate to being a moral person.
I believe that most companies have lost touch with their customers.
David Lee Roth’s Van Halen was powered by lust; Sammy Hagar’s by romantic love. Both were undone by Eddie’s ego.
This country would be in much better shape if more people were parents to their children. Encouraging that is not the role of the federal government.
I believe the private sector is more efficient than the government at most things. However, it could not have taken on creating the Interstate system.
All great rock and roll bands have an asshole for a front man – see Rolling Stones, The Who, The Doors, Led Zeppelin, Guns N Roses, Nirvana, Van Halen.
Hosni Mubarak occupying the number 1 and number 2 spots in
Eventually, everyone’s chickens come home to roost.
I believe that the person who is willing to do the things it takes to become president is not someone who can be a great president.
A single parent can be successful in raising children, but households with two loving parents, regardless of their gender, have an easier time of it.
Colin Powell should have quit before addressing the U.N.
People say that
The only people that care about the Palestinians are the Palestinians. Surrounding Arab nations only use them as a negotiating chip when dealing with
I have great respect for those that live true to their faith.
For all the talk about what the President should or should not do to shore up the economy, the reality is, the American economy is big enough that only drastic measures could have significant impact on it (usually negative).
I believe that there are, indeed, more things on Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in our philosophies.
Putin is a thug.
High school students should be required to take one year of a personal finance class.
Election day should be a national holiday.
The Police should really stop re-uniting.
Americans deserve a 20-year moratorium on Bushes & Clintons.
I am astonished at the resiliency of the American economy.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Wagstaff Manifesto
Just so there is no mystery about where Wagstaff is coming from, here is his manifesto. And now I promise never to refer to Wagstaff in the third person again.
Politically, I would label myself as a forward-thinking 19th century liberal.
Today, that passes for a Man of the Right.
If there can be such an animal that melds the philosophies of David Hume and St. Thomas Aquinas, of Adam Smith and G.K. Chesterton, then I am that animal.
I think that the government should stay out of the bedroom, and just as important, vise versa.
I don't care about the federal deficit.
I believe a singular, objective truth exists that is larger than any one man, and therefore he views things subjectively. The opposite would be not believing in any singular, objective truth but trying to view things objectively.
I believe Jesus loves gay people.
I never met a person who didn't impress me with at least some kind of intelligence.
I believe human life begins at conception. You might think that is a leap, but I think believing anything else is even more of a leap.
I think Henry James is a great novelist.
I think the Bill of Rights is listed in order of importance.
In a sense, I think western literature after Homer and the Bible is all downhill.
I think that a goose-stepping army is always bad news. Never trust an army that goose-steps.
I think that any song, no matter how awful, can be used effectively in a movie.
I give thanks to God for Martin Luther King Jr.
I love Bob Dylan as a vocalist.
I read Catcher in the Rye when I was a teenager and I didn't relate to it at all.
I support every american war whether I agree with it or not. That is my carefully thought-out knee-jerk position.
I think you can be smarter than the average person, but you will never be smarter than ten average persons.
I think that every modern pop song is one minute too long.
I think that our current President is a lot smarter than anyone who calls him stupid. Yes, that means you.
I believe abortion is an abomination that should be restricted in most cases. I don't know how to do this.
I think Percy Shelley was a great poet, but in the battle of ideas between Shelley and Thomas Love Peacock, I side with Peacock.
I think a ruler who wears the same outfit every day is always bad news. Never trust a ruler who cultivates his own iconography.
I believe the South deserved to get thumped in the Civil War.
I think that generals Grant and Sherman were lovely, humane men.
I believe that if the material universe is in a state of entropy, then our mental universe is in a state of reverse entropy.
I think that the tendencies, prerogatives, and imperatives of each branch of the federal government will usually trump partisanship.
I think Ernst Lubitsch was the greatest movie director who ever lived, with Akira Kurosawa following close behind.
I think many of the greatest critics have been conservatives, but most conservatives make lousy critics.
I think that whether you believe in it or not, the story of Jesus in the gospels is by far the strangest, most original tale told by man.
I believe that sometimes it is just plain common sense to run with the herd.
I think it is not what you know, or who you know, but what other people think you know.
I believe that when Rome defeated Carthage in the Punic Wars, the good guys won.
I believe that Christianity as a religion makes the most sense. It also makes the most nonsense.
I think the best thing I ever heard about Franklin Delano Roosevelt came from Conrad Black, who said "third rate economics, first rate catastrophe avoidance."
I like what Winston Churchill said about supporting the church, but from the outside, like a flying buttress.
I think George W. Bush's foreign policy is profoundly unconservative.
I think a great thing about conservatism is that you don't have to be smart.
I don't think ratings codes and content advisory stickers constitute censorship.
I think pot should be legalized and probably all other narcotics as well.
I think you are fooling yourself if you think prolonged reefer smoking doesn't make you dumber.
I think if you can't make your opponent's argument better than he can, then you are losing the argument.
I think generations these days look back on the 50's as a period of normalcy we have deviated from or outgrown, but really the postwar consensus was one of the most abnormal periods imaginable.
I think most of the U.S. congress is a bunch of spineless boobies.
I think the most important fact about early cave paintings is that it was man who painted the animals and not the other way around.
I am not a purist of any kind. I keep my ideals pure only in the Platonic realm of ideas and not here on earth.
I am not a Platonist.
I think Aristotle was one of the smartest, most logical men ever to have walked the earth. He wrote the book on secular ethics.
I am not as smart as Aristotle.
Aristotle defended slavery as a matter of course.
I am a fool who flatters himself if I think I could have figured out slavery was evil on my own.
I think that Norman Rockwell was a great painter.
I believe the Iraq War is a war of necessity.
I am far more likely to be annoyed with Republicans and conservatives than I am with the President.
I believe marriage is marriage, but that we should have civil unions for everyone.
I support the President in most of what he does. I know that I don't have to.
I think that low voter turnout must mean things are O.K.
I think that just because your gay friend gave you fashion advice, it doesn't mean that it was good advice.
I believe that the deity might be looking at us through a one-way mirror.
I believe that becoming a Christian can be no easy comfort, on the contrary, it must stand as life's thorniest challenge.
I think you should forget about what modern critics say about Don Quixote being a loveable, foggy-eyed idealist. The book is brutal slapstick and that crazy son of a bitch is dangerous.
I think that Senator Joseph McCarthy was an ass.
I think that what Edward R. Murrow and the gang at CBS did was indeed a noble thing and good for the country, but what it wasn't was good journalism.
I think that the japanese internment camps during WWII were unconstitutional, but they might have been a better deal for japanese-americans than the alternatives.
I think it is a bad idea to try to hook Jr. High and High school students on reading by assigning them stories and plays that climax with mental breakdowns and suicide. What the hell are they thinking?
I believe that people will complain to those who listen; to those who don't listen they won't complain.
I think that military history should be part of the basic curriculum at every public High school.
I think that people who like pornography shouldn't worry. The government is never going to take your porn away.
I have never voted for a Democrat in my life, but I would vote for Joe Lieberman.
I think if you believe that a certain book, t.v. show, movie, music ect. can have a positive influence on someone's life, then you must also believe that a certain book, t.v. show, movie, music ect. can have a negative influence on someone's life.
I think that if history teaches us nothing else, it teaches that mankind abhors a power vacuum. If you have power and don't maintain the fight to keep it, there will always be someone in the wings ready to move in, single minded and with their eye on the ball.
I believe you should never write a letter to someone when you are drunk. You'll regret it.
I think that if you have ever seen something depicted by the media that you knew about or were involved in personally, then you will know that they got a lot of it wrong, therefore I think it is a safe assumption that they get a lot wrong when you see them depict something you don't know about or weren't involved in personally.
I believe we are all sinners, that is for damn sure.
Confucius defined wisdom as "To say you know when you know, and to say you don't know when you don't know." This sounds so simple, but it is difficult as all hell.
Politically, I would label myself as a forward-thinking 19th century liberal.
Today, that passes for a Man of the Right.
If there can be such an animal that melds the philosophies of David Hume and St. Thomas Aquinas, of Adam Smith and G.K. Chesterton, then I am that animal.
I think that the government should stay out of the bedroom, and just as important, vise versa.
I don't care about the federal deficit.
I believe a singular, objective truth exists that is larger than any one man, and therefore he views things subjectively. The opposite would be not believing in any singular, objective truth but trying to view things objectively.
I believe Jesus loves gay people.
I never met a person who didn't impress me with at least some kind of intelligence.
I believe human life begins at conception. You might think that is a leap, but I think believing anything else is even more of a leap.
I think Henry James is a great novelist.
I think the Bill of Rights is listed in order of importance.
In a sense, I think western literature after Homer and the Bible is all downhill.
I think that a goose-stepping army is always bad news. Never trust an army that goose-steps.
I think that any song, no matter how awful, can be used effectively in a movie.
I give thanks to God for Martin Luther King Jr.
I love Bob Dylan as a vocalist.
I read Catcher in the Rye when I was a teenager and I didn't relate to it at all.
I support every american war whether I agree with it or not. That is my carefully thought-out knee-jerk position.
I think you can be smarter than the average person, but you will never be smarter than ten average persons.
I think that every modern pop song is one minute too long.
I think that our current President is a lot smarter than anyone who calls him stupid. Yes, that means you.
I believe abortion is an abomination that should be restricted in most cases. I don't know how to do this.
I think Percy Shelley was a great poet, but in the battle of ideas between Shelley and Thomas Love Peacock, I side with Peacock.
I think a ruler who wears the same outfit every day is always bad news. Never trust a ruler who cultivates his own iconography.
I believe the South deserved to get thumped in the Civil War.
I think that generals Grant and Sherman were lovely, humane men.
I believe that if the material universe is in a state of entropy, then our mental universe is in a state of reverse entropy.
I think that the tendencies, prerogatives, and imperatives of each branch of the federal government will usually trump partisanship.
I think Ernst Lubitsch was the greatest movie director who ever lived, with Akira Kurosawa following close behind.
I think many of the greatest critics have been conservatives, but most conservatives make lousy critics.
I think that whether you believe in it or not, the story of Jesus in the gospels is by far the strangest, most original tale told by man.
I believe that sometimes it is just plain common sense to run with the herd.
I think it is not what you know, or who you know, but what other people think you know.
I believe that when Rome defeated Carthage in the Punic Wars, the good guys won.
I believe that Christianity as a religion makes the most sense. It also makes the most nonsense.
I think the best thing I ever heard about Franklin Delano Roosevelt came from Conrad Black, who said "third rate economics, first rate catastrophe avoidance."
I like what Winston Churchill said about supporting the church, but from the outside, like a flying buttress.
I think George W. Bush's foreign policy is profoundly unconservative.
I think a great thing about conservatism is that you don't have to be smart.
I don't think ratings codes and content advisory stickers constitute censorship.
I think pot should be legalized and probably all other narcotics as well.
I think you are fooling yourself if you think prolonged reefer smoking doesn't make you dumber.
I think if you can't make your opponent's argument better than he can, then you are losing the argument.
I think generations these days look back on the 50's as a period of normalcy we have deviated from or outgrown, but really the postwar consensus was one of the most abnormal periods imaginable.
I think most of the U.S. congress is a bunch of spineless boobies.
I think the most important fact about early cave paintings is that it was man who painted the animals and not the other way around.
I am not a purist of any kind. I keep my ideals pure only in the Platonic realm of ideas and not here on earth.
I am not a Platonist.
I think Aristotle was one of the smartest, most logical men ever to have walked the earth. He wrote the book on secular ethics.
I am not as smart as Aristotle.
Aristotle defended slavery as a matter of course.
I am a fool who flatters himself if I think I could have figured out slavery was evil on my own.
I think that Norman Rockwell was a great painter.
I believe the Iraq War is a war of necessity.
I am far more likely to be annoyed with Republicans and conservatives than I am with the President.
I believe marriage is marriage, but that we should have civil unions for everyone.
I support the President in most of what he does. I know that I don't have to.
I think that low voter turnout must mean things are O.K.
I think that just because your gay friend gave you fashion advice, it doesn't mean that it was good advice.
I believe that the deity might be looking at us through a one-way mirror.
I believe that becoming a Christian can be no easy comfort, on the contrary, it must stand as life's thorniest challenge.
I think you should forget about what modern critics say about Don Quixote being a loveable, foggy-eyed idealist. The book is brutal slapstick and that crazy son of a bitch is dangerous.
I think that Senator Joseph McCarthy was an ass.
I think that what Edward R. Murrow and the gang at CBS did was indeed a noble thing and good for the country, but what it wasn't was good journalism.
I think that the japanese internment camps during WWII were unconstitutional, but they might have been a better deal for japanese-americans than the alternatives.
I think it is a bad idea to try to hook Jr. High and High school students on reading by assigning them stories and plays that climax with mental breakdowns and suicide. What the hell are they thinking?
I believe that people will complain to those who listen; to those who don't listen they won't complain.
I think that military history should be part of the basic curriculum at every public High school.
I think that people who like pornography shouldn't worry. The government is never going to take your porn away.
I have never voted for a Democrat in my life, but I would vote for Joe Lieberman.
I think if you believe that a certain book, t.v. show, movie, music ect. can have a positive influence on someone's life, then you must also believe that a certain book, t.v. show, movie, music ect. can have a negative influence on someone's life.
I think that if history teaches us nothing else, it teaches that mankind abhors a power vacuum. If you have power and don't maintain the fight to keep it, there will always be someone in the wings ready to move in, single minded and with their eye on the ball.
I believe you should never write a letter to someone when you are drunk. You'll regret it.
I think that if you have ever seen something depicted by the media that you knew about or were involved in personally, then you will know that they got a lot of it wrong, therefore I think it is a safe assumption that they get a lot wrong when you see them depict something you don't know about or weren't involved in personally.
I believe we are all sinners, that is for damn sure.
Confucius defined wisdom as "To say you know when you know, and to say you don't know when you don't know." This sounds so simple, but it is difficult as all hell.
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