Edward Copeland's Manifesto

By Edward Copeland

If I wanted to, I suppose I could sit down and pound out a fully formed manifesto that would make Ted Kaczynski proud if he deigned to use a computer, but I have neither the time nor the energy for such a venture. Instead, I offer you this stream-of-consciousness list of things I believe as they come to me with no attempt at categorization.

Two things cause all car accidents: Arrogance and a lack of understand of the basic concept of physics.

Movie theater ushers should be issued stun guns to use on people who won't shut up.

Movie theaters should also use the technology available to jam all cell phones within their walls and should feel no need to tell the moviegoers about it.

If your life is so important that you can't be out of touch long enough to see a movie, why the hell are you going to one in the first place?

Only movies that were flawed to begin with should be remade.

Even if 1 out of 10 movies turned into Broadway musicals turn out well, the percentage isn't worth it.

The same goes for TV shows turned into movies.

Democrats are completely incompetent, but they usually mean well.

Republicans are just as incompetent, but they tend to be evil.

Hillary Clinton is George W. Bush with a brain in women's clothing.

That was not an endorsement of Hillary Clinton.

If you truly have a desire to run for president of the United States, you must have a serious psychological flaw.

The reason China has been allowed to become so powerful is because they are the kind of communist we like: Ones we can make money with. Who cares how they treat their people?

Our policy of engagement is an utter failure. Freezing out the Soviet Union led to their fall. Sanctions on South Africa ended apartheid. Engaging China has only put them on the path to eventual world domination.

If I ran for president, my campaign slogan would be "Fuck China."

My problems with the Bush administration can be summed up as follows: It's not about ideology, it's about incompetence.

I believe that, deep down, George H.W. Bush can't believe that this is the son of his who became president and really regrets that it happened that way.

I believe that when all of Dick Cheney's old friends comment about how much he's changed, they may be overlooking a simple answer: People who have serious heart problems and surgeries often end up having huge personality shifts. That's about the most charitable thing you'll ever hear me say about Dick Cheney.

People who use handicap stalls in public rest rooms when there are other options available deserved to be pissed on.

I believe all workplaces would benefit if everyone had Nerf bats with which they could bop idiots on the head. On the downside, there are so many idiots, nothing would ever get done.

Until Disney fires Bob Iger, I will continue my 12 year+ boycott of ABC (which is only lifted once a year for the Oscars).

I haven't shopped in a Wal-Mart since 1986 and I never will again.

I believe Bill Gates' fortune should be seized and divided among every person who has ever suffered under his products. At least when AT&T had a monopoly, the phones tended to work.

Whoever made the decision to release Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket on DVD this year only in a cropped version is insane.

I have never watched even a few seconds of "American Idol" and have no intention to start now.

Someone should really start a cable news network that covers news. I don't care about missing Boy Scouts, missing blondes, Anna Nicole Smith, anything to do with any cruise ship anywhere.

Fox News may claim to be fair and balanced, but they've never claimed to be accurate which may explain why they keep insisting on calling Al Gore an Oscar winner. Al Gore DID NOT WIN AN OSCAR. The director of An Inconvenient Truth, Davis Guggenheim, won the award.

Most of the best documentaries last year weren't nominated anyway.

I truly don't understand why I even know who the hell Paris Hilton is.

Dennis Miller's best line: Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me funnier.

Dennis Miller today is Howard Beale after Ned Beatty gives him the corporate cosmology speech.

Tucker Carlson's best line: Listening to George W. Bush try to finish a sentence is like watching a drunk trying to cross an icy street.

Mark Shields' best line: Stupidity is not a victimless crime.

When the Republican presidential candidates gather for their first debate, I want one of the panelists asking questions to say, "OK — everyone who hasn't cheated on a wife, raise your hand."

Political parties may be one of the worst things ever to happen to this country. If I had the power, I'd shatter them to the winds.

I wish we had a parliamentary system where we could have votes of no-confidence, if only to send Dubya back to Crawford more quickly.

I wish I could be a professional poker player.

Sex is a swindle. Only the saw is true, the saw is family.

I believe that if you agreed to outlaw abortion but to enact a huge tax to pay for the raising and educating of the new children you'd suddenly see a lot more pro-choice Republicans.

My only problem with the death penalty is the possibility of an innocent person being executed. That being said, I think capital punishment should be expanded to include people who talk in theaters.

I respect people who are against both the death penalty and abortion more than people who are only against one or the other. I'm pro choice and pro-death penalty.

I hate that I own a cell phone.

I regret that I'm only fluent in one language.

Everyone talks about the huge salaries movie stars make, but don't you wonder how much someone like M. Emmet Walsh makes in a year?

All contests should be decided in a bracket system like NCAA basketball. That goes for the presidency, the Oscars, everything.

People who walk around with their hands constantly in their pockets make me suspicious.

Part of me dreams of a Jack Nicholson presidency, if only to see him give the State of the Union wearing sunglasses and opening with, "Here is the state of the goddamn union."

I used to be against term limits, feeling they were undemocratic, but now that I see that most people are too stupid to vote out people who need to go, I've changed my mind.

If we have a minimum age to be in the House, the Senate or the Presidency, shouldn't we have a maximum age as well? If you're well past 80, it's time to get to your porch and rock.

I'm against people telling others that it's their "civic duty" to vote. If they don't know what's going on, don't encourage them. Things get screwed up enough by the ones who vote who think they know what's going on to afford adding more ignorance to the equation.

If a time machine existed, I can never decide where I'd want to go first: to Dealey Plaza in 1963 to answer the mysteries of the JFK assassination or to be able to see Ethel Merman perform "Gypsy" on Broadway.

Actually, in the past year, I imagine the date I would choose would be far more recent than either of those.