Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The Rued Manifesto

by Ross Ruediger

Disclaimer: 99.9% of all “facts” should be considered suspect -- humans are too prone to error for anything to be 100% correct.

That said, on with the show…

Art & Media

Some books deserve to be burned.

Most films over two hours probably don’t need to be.

I am incapable of understanding how anyone with whom I’d choose to associate can actively dislike The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

The Wizard of Oz is the single most influential film ever made.

The Godfather flicks are overrated.

Any movie filmed in New Orleans is worth sitting through at least once.

Present day San Antonio has never been accurately portrayed in a major motion picture (and I’ll be damned if I can come up with even a decent TV appearance).

Many movies that take place in either New York or Los Angeles could benefit from being set elsewhere.

Tootsie - the greatest comedy ever made - is not one of them.

The stupidity of Hollywood is clearly demonstrated by its failure to properly tap Dustin Hoffman’s talents over the past 15 or so years. (Wag the Dog is the most noteworthy exception.)

Many consider the ‘70s the best decade for Hollywood films -- this is also true for pornographic films.

Theatrical productions of any nature are better with at least one intermission.

Both Barry Manilow and disco are misunderstood – but that’s all they have in common.

The Beatles were the greatest band of the 20th century. Without them, the soundscape of today would be an entirely different animal…

…which makes me think twice about how great the Beatles actually were.

The most profound idea John Lennon ever put to music was “All You Need is Love”.

His most annoying thoughts, however, can be found in the lyrics of “Imagine”.

The words “Christian” and “Rock” have no business being placed next to one another. Rock ‘n’ Roll is the Devil’s Playground and it always will be no matter how ineptly Christians try to alter that fact.

Johnny Carson will always be the King of Late Night.

Reality TV as we know it today (i.e. since Survivor) has trained viewers to appreciate ongoing storylines on scripted television series.

There’s still value in TV shows without arcing storylines, however a series with an engaging, ongoing story is typically better than most movies.

Aunt Bee was a filthy slut. (I'm sure, however, Frances Bavier was a delightful woman and a professional actress.)

The media should glamorize sex less and masturbation more.

The difference between sci-fi fans and sports fans is negligible…

…yet I am befuddled by those who are both.

The United States, Politics & Religion

The United States of America has largely become a nation of whores.

I don’t believe in the possibility of growing up in this country and not having Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup at least once.

Efficient, reliable, comfortable and cost-effective mass transportation systems are a major key to saving this country.

Age of consent laws often don’t make a whole lot of sense. (Example: Should sexual relations between an 18-year-old girl and a 16-year-old boy ever be considered statutory rape?)

I do not understand why marriage is such a big issue for gay people when it doesn’t even work for most straight folk.

Gay unions should be recognized and given the same breaks -- by both employers and the government -- as straight married folk.

Either marriage or divorce should be banned entirely…I’m still not sure which one, though.

Power unquestionably corrupts; however lacking it does not necessarily make for a more righteous person.

The most vocal members of any group typically give the rest of said group a bad name.

Presidents should be able to get blowjobs when and wherever they choose with the only fear of repercussion being that of their partner.

Talking politics is far less engaging than discussing religion.

The world would be a safer place without organized religion.

The Holy Bible is a great work of art written by men (refer back to Disclaimer above).

Faith is a beautiful concept as long as the individual possessing it doesn’t expect others to be on the same train.

My faith is the belief that humanity far more often than not will do the right thing.

Given humanity’s track record, my faith is the best example of faith as a concept.

Technology & Science

Stuff like electronic equipment, computers and cars were once built to last. Disturbing is the notion that now they are built to break down. Given technological advancements, such items should be built even better, not worse.

Even more disturbing is that most people don’t seem to notice or care.

It’s a huge shame that cell phones are slowly replacing more traditional timepieces.

When the revolution comes, people wearing those stupid Bluetooth (sp?) things in their ears as if they were fashion accessories deserve to be the first ones up against the wall.

If your failed expectations of online friends hurts more than your cleaning lady's failure to properly mop your floor -- you've got big problems.

Dinosaurs are the most fascinating creatures ever to inhabit the Earth…

…which would not be the case if someone could prove the existence of mermaids.

Drugs, Alcohol & Tobacco

There’s no proof that secondhand smoke kills. It may irritate, annoy and give people headaches and/or a minor cough, but it doesn’t kill.

A bar that doesn’t allow smoking is like a bar that doesn’t serve alcohol: It’s not a bar.

People should be able to enjoy a fine meal without a nearby smoker ruining their experience…

…which doesn’t mean restaurants should outlaw smoking sections. Ask any waitress – smokers tend to be better tippers.

Tobacco is harder to kick than any other drug you can name.

The worst drugs for you are already legal.

If marijuana were legal, good quality bud would be much more difficult to come by.

The world would be a better place if everybody dosed on psilocybin mushrooms at least once in their life.

If a person is old enough to be ordered to fight or die in a war, they should also be able to legally buy alcohol.

Gin is evil.

Wine should not be served from a box.

The United States is incapable of producing any good beer.

Folks

The cause of most of humanity’s problems – no matter how big or small – is the breakdown of communication.

The more potentially embarrassing the admission or confession, the more admirable the person.

Everyone should be allowed to keep some secrets.

Women are attracted to power. This can be exploited.

Men are attracted to those who make them feel powerful. This can be exploited.

People who say they do not notice, fantasize about or fixate on anyone other than their partner are lying.

Personal dramas are created by those who don’t have enough to do.

Gays can be just as (if not more) intolerant of other forms of sexuality as straight people are often accused of being.

Human sexuality is more fluid than most people are comfortable admitting.

The only people who can ever really understand a relationship between two people are the two people in the relationship…and they’ll probably never even figure it out.

People can only give what they’re capable of giving. Your expectations of what they should give are your problem.

Black licorice – you either love it or hate it. Nobody’s on the fence.

Never trust a vegetarian…to prepare you a decent cheeseburger.

Laughter really is the best medicine.

---------------------------------------------------

You can read more of Ross Ruediger's deranged, incohesive thoughts at The Rued Morgue.

18 comments:

Edward Copeland said...

I too hate the way that nothing is built to last. As someone who began their video life with a Betamax, I hold a longtime grudge against technology that becomes obsolete. They only do it so they can get you to buy over and over and over again (see my manifesto below for what I think should be done to Bill Gates). If the day really comes as they threaten where every non high-definition TV becomes useless, that may be the spark the starts a new revolution. You can't expect a nation of 200 million+ people of various economic means to suddenly lose what (for better or worse) is their most important appliance and not expect some repercussions.

Wagstaff said...

You had me at "hello." The first five were great. The Godfather films are overrated. Everything else was going good until you said that gin was evil. I refuse to set down my drink.

Ross Ruediger said...

Ed -

Designed obsolescence (think I spelled that right) is indeed a nasty cancer that people keep feeding. I recall you once upon a time saying you still ran WindowsME - I don't know if that's still the case for you, but it is for me.

Wags -

You must be evil, too. I recommend a Godfather marathon to go with your tonic.

You guys should check out the intro I wrote at the Morgue for The Rued Manifesto, as it includes links to all the manifestos thus far.

Wagstaff said...

No fence-sitting here. I hate black licorice ..yuck! Planned obsolescence is indeed annoying. As soon as those warranties run out the device goes kaput. I remember a story from one of those old Vance Packard books about a company that made potato peelers. To get around the fact that a person only needs to buy one potato peeler in their lifetime, they decided to make the handles brown, that way the customer might lose the thing and throw it out with the potato peelings.

Edward Copeland said...

I broke down and had to get a new computer, so it came with Windows NT but I steadfastly refuse to get Vista.

Dude said...

Man, I'm gonna miss March Manifesto Madness....Jeffrey, you got one tucked away for the finale?

Johnny Carson....that man was a class act.

Wine in a box....one of my fondest memories was of drinking wine from a box, while sitting in Wagstaff and Jeffrey's hot tub, and listening to Elton John's "Rocket Man" while waiting to ship overseas.

Gays can be just as (if not more) intolerant of other forms of sexuality as straight people are often accused of being.

That line makes me think of some Wiccans, who can be just intolerant of Christians as the worst Christian can be. I've often wondered that if those people were born 2,000 years ago, if they would have been Christian just to be the odd person out.

Disturbing is the notion that now they are built to break down.

I've been accused of being a technophobe, but I'm not one to adopt a new technology until it proves its convenience to me. I'm a guy who bought a cell phone plan 3 years ago and still has the same phone, with all the numbers wearing off.

Black licorice.....reminds me of ouzo. In the Greek restaurants in Germany, they would give you a free shot of ouzo before taking your order. Plain Nyquil is somewhat reminiscent of that taste.

Ross Ruediger said...

Ed -

Then surely I am the only person left using WindowsME. I wonder how long the love affair will last?

Nice comments, Dude...

Odd that you bring up "Rocket Man", which easily could have slid into my manifesto: I think it's the single greatest song ever written, and I doubt I'll ever change my mind.

That line makes me think of some Wiccans, who can be just intolerant of Christians as the worst Christian can be. I've often wondered that if those people were born 2,000 years ago, if they would have been Christian just to be the odd person out.

In my experience, minority groups of all manner of religions, races, sexualities, etc. often feel entitled to prejudices and sometimes even outright hatred that they somehow feel perfectly justified in freely expressing.

What a nutty world this is, no?

Also, I have been known to drink an entire bottle of Ouzo in one night - the last time I did it, I woke up the next morning with the most severe case of alcohol poisoning I've ever experienced.

Yet I still drink it, I just make sure to stop before reaching the bottom.

jeffrey said...

Licorice is nasty. Thanks for giving me the courage to come out and say it, Ross.

Most films over two hours probably don’t need to be.

Indeed. And if it's over 2 hours, it should have an intermission.

The United States is incapable of producing any good beer.

What is Ross's beer of choice?

jeffrey said...

Dude, I'll post a manifesto in the next few days - as soon as I gin up enough opinions. Others, of course, are still welcome to submit manifestos after that.

jeffrey said...

Incidentally, Dude, what are you trying to say?:

one of my fondest memories was of drinking wine from a box, while sitting in Wagstaff and Jeffrey's hot tub, and listening to Elton John's "Rocket Man"...

That's quite a portrait you paint of me and Wagstaff...not asking for more context, just noticing.

And Ross, that was a mighty fine intro you put up there at the The Rued Morgue....yes, mighty fine.

Joan said...

The difference between sci-fi fans and sports fans is negligible…

…yet I am befuddled by those who are both.


Intuitively I knew this about you before, but it made me laugh to see it written out like that. I love it that I am among your "befuddlers."

I contest your assertion that women are attracted to power. What women are attracted to is competence. Men who can get things done, and done properly, will always make women weak in the knees. This is why great mechanics never lack for sex. There is a correlation between power and competence, but it's weak, and you can definitely have one without the other. Power w/o capabilities is ugly... but given time, a capable man will find himself with exactly as much power as he wants.

Also, I really have to protest the "no good American beer" thing. There's a lot of good beer made here that will stand up to the best I had in Europe, too many microbreweries to list. Yes, our supermarket beers are nothing more than vaguely alcoholic piss water, and European and UK everyday beers can be fantastic (although anyone who extols the virtues of Oranjeboom earns my derision, it's the Schlitz of the Netherlands). I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's way too sweeping a generalization.

Last, amen on the personal dramas observation. And since I am actively seeking to minimize the drama in my own life, I won't say anything about any of the rest of it.

Edward Copeland said...

What women are attracted to is competence. Men who can get things done, and done properly, will always make women weak in the knees.

Then how the hell did Dubya end up with Laura or any woman for that matter?

Joan said...

Hate on Bush as you will, Edward, but as president of the US, he is the most powerful man in the world. Even if you can't give him credit for anything else, he knows how to win elections, which is a key competency requirement for politicians.

As for the details, you'd have to ask Laura. One man's dithering idiot is another woman's charming young man.

Ross Ruediger said...

Jeffrey -

Thanks for the props on the intro over at my place.

And as far as my beer of choice? Old Speckled Hen.

Joan -

You are a smart woman who took my "power" statement to another level. But there are a surplus of stupid women in the world who'd never hear what you're saying and head straight for the nearest fat wallet in lieu of giving it a second thought. (Money is often mistaken for power, by the way.)

I will, however, totally defer to your experience on the beer issue.

Sheik Yerbootie said...

The Beatles were the greatest band of the 20th century. Without them, the soundscape of today would be an entirely different animal…

Such a child. The greatest band? Have to the the Stones. Why? Because they are still around.

With respect to soundscape you are completely off your meds today aren't you? :>)

Today's soundscape is the direct result of influences of one man and one man only - Link Wray - inventor of the power chord, fuzztone and oddly framed bridges in instrumentals of the day. The Wall of Sound was not a Spector invention - it was Wray's invention.

The difference between sci-fi fans and sports fans is negligible…

…yet I am befuddled by those who are both.


Well, that explains a lot.

And here I thought you were a fan of those car jackers in shorts, the Spurs.

I don’t believe in the possibility of growing up in this country and not having Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup at least once.

Good point.

Faith is a beautiful concept as long as the individual possessing it doesn’t expect others to be on the same train.

Score two for Ross.

My faith is the belief that humanity far more often than not will do the right thing.

http://www.warscholar.com/Timeline.html

Want to rethink that?

Dinosaurs are the most fascinating creatures ever to inhabit the Earth…

Ahem - not quite.

I am the most fascinating creature to ever inhabit the Earth. :>)

jeffrey said...

yerbootie: I think Ross covered his bases with his testament of faith with the subsequent point:

Given humanity’s track record, my faith is the best example of faith as a concept.

Sheik Yerbootie said...

jeffrey wrote: yerbootie: I think Ross covered his bases with his testament of faith with the subsequent point:

Given humanity’s track record, my faith is the best example of faith as a concept.


Faith as proof of faith - there's a concept to give Jung et. al., a headache. :>)

Ross Ruediger said...

A true assessment of the good of man cannot be defined solely by his warmongering ways. For starters, wars are largely created by a handful of men, and executed and fought by followers and believers. But this matters not...

My belief in man stems from the idea that countless acts of good and right happen in this world every day. Most go unreported by the media, unrecorded by the historians, and unnoticed by the masses - but none of that discounts their value. If these ongoing acts of goodness didn't happen, as a species we never would have made it this far.

It's hope that keeps us going - not states of futility.