Monday, March 19, 2007

The OdieNator Manifesto

Since everyone else is embroiled in the fine art of the Manifesto, I too shall throw my hat into the ring. But be warned: The Odienator Manifesto (the "OdieFesto" to its friends) discusses things one is told not to discuss in polite company: sex, religion, politics and race. Still reading? Herewith, the OdieFesto.

All About Eve, if Eve were played by the Odienator

The only one who could ever reach me was the son of a preacher man.

I am the son of a preacher man.

You can get me to do almost anything by giving me a foot massage.

I aspire to the level of creative profanity executed by my mother.

I am a genius, which means I am preternaturally good at one thing.

Unfortunately, that one thing isn't fucking.

Polly-Ticks

I will never vote for a Republican for President, even if Jesus were the candidate.

I voted Republican once. That candidate turned out to have a fondness for frisking innocent Black men in photo opportunities. I learned my lesson.

The Democratic Party can teach a master class on political implosion. They have practically been given Congress by a fed up American public, and they're still afraid of Fox News Network.

America is too big and too populous a country to have only two major political parties.

The one thing Republicans and Democrats have in common is that they will do or say anything to win.

Hillary Clinton's Southern accent sounds as Down South as Martha's Vineyard.

When a candidate evades a question, they believe the unpopular answer and don't want to tell us.

Americans says they are ready for a female or a Black president. America is lying.

Ted Kennedy has a deal with the Devil.

So does Dick Cheney.

Disagree with the president before W and you're a hero. Disagree with W and you're anti-American, anti-troops and should be tried for treason.

I disagree with the President.

I think the children of politicians, including a President, should be forced to serve in any war their parents declared.

Not every country wants democracy.

De Lawd and other Religious Stuff

I was raised Baptist, which means I'm supposed to care about your soul and try to help you live righteously.

I don't give a fuck about your soul. I want company in Hell.

God exists, but not the way all these religions tell us.

When we're born, we are given one gift from God. We are also given one gift from the Devil. The key is to figure out which one is which. Free will is the means to choose which gift you use.

God loves gay people. God hates hypocrites and people who use His name to further their agenda. He will put lightning in their assholes.

When Jesus comes back, the first place He's going is to the televangelists. "Where's all that money you raised for me?" He will ask.

Atheists try just as hard to convert Christians as Christians try to convert non-Christians. The atheists are just as snide and self-righteous as Christians when they try.

Hell is going to be crowded. Heaven will have six people in it.

Church never makes Heaven sound cool. The streets are paved with gold, but those in Heaven have no need for riches. You'll worship de Lawd all day and all night, and there's no sex. It sounds like the Bible Belt. Hell, on the other hand, is all fire and brimstone and burning, with a different torture every day. At least it's spontaneous.

God is too busy to tell George W. Bush what to do. God is too busy to tell anyone what to do. This is why He invented free will. It freed up His time for golf.

Religion is the lottery of the impoverished.

When the Virgin Mary appears on a grilled cheese sandwich, you know Heaven needs a better F/X budget. Things should get flashier when George Lucas drops dead. He'll bring ILM up there.

People always think miracles are these grandiose spectacles. While big miracles do happen, most miracles can be found in small gestures. So please look for little miracles, and be thankful for them. Remember, Heaven's F/X budget sucks ass.

The Telly

Fox News Network is a bed of hate speech, homophobia and dunderheaded commentators.

CNN isn't much better.

There are 24 hours in a day, but Black Entertainment Television (BET) can't find anything that is uplifting to Blacks, educational or of worth to put on.

I liked it better when there were just 3 networks.

Angela Lansbury was killing all those people on Murder, She Wrote.

Reality TV, in addition to proving Paddy Chayevsky right, is the first sign of the Apocalypse.

The Geico Gekko is the most annoying spokesperson in history.

Turner Classic Movies is the greatest channel ever created.

Most TV newscasts are made up of a male and a female anchor person who are fucking each other.

Men, Women, and Ess-E-Ex

Men don't know what women want.

Neither do women.

A woman will love you with her heart and soul, but if you turn that heart black, a woman will do her best to destroy you.

Everyone should know what it's like to kiss someone of their gender.

Every homophobe secretly wants to have gay sex. Their biggest fear is that they'll enjoy it.

Which they will.

A man will tell you any information you want if you ask him right before he ejaculates.

Bi-sexuals are greedy. Lucky, but greedy nonetheless.

Multiply by three the number of sex partners a woman claims she has had.

Divide by three the number of sex partners a man claims he has had.

Do the same with the number of inches he tells you his erection is.

My erection is 25.5 inches long.

Any sexual thing that is done between consenting adults is fair game. The operative words are CONSENTING ADULTS.

Pedophiles should be put to death.

If you have to call your child's father "my baby daddy," you're a slut.

The only difference between a slut and a stud is the double standard.

Waiting until marriage to have sex results in very unsatisfied wives.

I'll support banning abortion when the government stops pumping millions into bullshit abstinence only sex ed programs.

If gay people want to be as miserable as straight people, then they should be allowed to marry.

If they do pass gay marriage, any church has the right to refuse to perform the ceremony. I got married at City Hall. If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for gay people.

Physics tells us for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So, if religious therapy can turn gay people into straight people, there must be a therapy that does turns straight people gay. And no, it's not called "mothers."

A woman can be seduced by carefully selected words. Show a guy a tit or an elbow and he's ready to go.

Women, stop referring to men as dogs. Since you are the female of this species of dogs, you are implicitly calling yourselves bitches.

Every war, every fight, every stupid decision in this world stems from men worrying about whose dick is bigger.

It's OK to look to find out.

Race and Sounds of Blackness

"You speak so well" is not a compliment. It is a slight poorly disguised as a compliment.

The next person who tells me I speak so well is going to learn that I cuss even better.

Unless you're a minority, you have no clue what it is like to be one.

Any company in existence today that made money off slaves should pay reparations, starting with the cotton and tobacco industries.

Auctions scare the hell out of Black people.

So does the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Being called the n-word feels much differently when a Black person does it to me than when a White person does.

I still don't like it either way.

I hate watermelon, and I sincerely believe the only reason I do is because it's a stereotype.

There is positivity in rap, but since it doesn't sell records, our faces are rubbed in the negativity.

Lou Reed and Johnny Cash are both great White rappers. Vanilla Ice and Rex Harrison are not.

Rap music's biggest consumer group is suburban White kids who believe all Black people are like Jay-Z, Biggie and 'Pac, and who secretly long to have dap in the ghetto. These kids wouldn't last five seconds in the neighborhood where I grew up.

I envy my parents' generation. They had such great Black leaders like Dr. King and Malcolm X.

The Black youth of today needs to be reminded that people died so they can have the freedoms they do.

A person of any race should be free to marry/screw/fall in love with a person of any other race, just as one should be allowed to have a preference for doing the same solely with one's own race.

Dope and other things that kill you

All drugs should be legal.

But if you're caught doing something illegal under the influence, they should jail you as if drugs were still illegal.

I should be allowed to destroy myself with trans fat.

Whoever convinced Frito Lay to start frying potato chips with sunflower oil should be shot.

Never trust a vegetarian.

It's OK for you to smoke in my presence only if it's OK for me to masturbate in yours. You gotta support your habit, I have to support mine.

....and all that Jazz

Bob Fosse is a genius.

I'm anti-fur. I'm also anti-PETA.

"Love Will Keep Us Together" by the Captain and Tenille is the catchiest bad song ever written.

Every manifesto should have a swipe at prior manifesti.

Kylie Minogue is an agent of Satan. She is super-hot because she is from Hell.

The use of an excessively learned vocabulary makes one look like a dork, and will guarantee he will not get any pussy.

Jeffrey should do a manifesto. We have shown him ours; we demand to see his.

Arts majors are evil and must be destroyed.

The only thing I learned in college is how to write programming code. This has made me a lot of money.

The only thing I learned in high school is that everyone thought I was gay. The guy they thought was Mr. Macho actually turned out to be the gay guy in my class.

Alcohol is a poor excuse for sleeping with anybody.

Yoko Ono music should only be used in torture situations. Same thing with Bjork.

Mel Gibson is crazy as shit. But I still love the first Lethal Weapon.

I always root for the bull at the rodeo. I even have a sign that says Bull 3:16 on it.

25 comments:

Edward Copeland said...

Amen on not trusting vegetarians. Hitler was a vegetarian, need I say more?

jeffrey said...

Any idea who those six people in heaven may be, Odie?

odienator said...

Any idea who those six people in heaven may be, Odie?

Not a clue. I do know there will be plenty of pissed off nuns banging on the Pearly Gates.

I'm so roasting in Hell. I don't even know why I try to be good anymore.

Edward Copeland said...

If so few people are really getting to heaven, they must be such stick-in-the-muds that Hell might be the preferable place. I once saw by accident a televangelist who argued that the idea of burning in fire for eternity wasn't accurate and that what would happen is that you would still be some sort of corporeal being and you'd just burn up and that'd be it. I could go for that.

Dude said...

"I do know there will be plenty of pissed off nuns banging on the Pearly Gates."

I mis-read this at first....I thought it said something about nuns pissing on and banging Bill Gates.

odienator said...

EC, your comment is proof that Richard Pryor is in Hell!

I've always felt like Heaven had a velvet rope, and St. Peter was one mean bouncer. The prospect of getting in, even if you're Mother Teresa good, seems so unlikely if you're subject to human weaknesses.

That televangelist you saw will be on Jesus' money hit list when He returns!

Dude: "I thought it said something about nuns pissing on and banging Bill Gates."

Is Microsoft producing the latest Ken Russell movie?!

In my 20 year career as a programmer, there have been plenty of times when I wanted to piss on Bill Gates for the torment his products put me through. Banging him never crossed my mind, but I'm pretty sure $37 million will make me reconsider.

Charlie Parsley said...

nicely done odie. much appreciated. very frank, I can apprecciate those who can be frank with me. and agreeable. I'd have to agree with most of what ya wrote.

I too look forward to winding up where the party is in hell. Mark Tain wrote something about how annoying it would be to be in heaven with the constant din of harp strumming in one's ears.

I'm looking forward to an eternity with all the other sodomites. I think about it a lot late at night, all of us gay guys forced to be together. I expect my paticular torture will be to witness an ongoing stream of hot straight guys I will not ever get to touch. but the music will be good and I can dance away my tortures on the dance floor. burn baby burn. disco inferno.

At first I was thinking up pictures to accompany the odiefesto but the words provided all the essentials. thick and meaty, raw writing. you go odie. but then come back again.

odienator said...

CP: I think about it a lot late at night, all of us gay guys forced to be together.

This is supposed to be Hell, not Saturday night in Chelsea! :)

CP: I expect my paticular torture will be to witness an ongoing stream of hot straight guys I will not ever get to touch.

I'm sure there are some hot straight guys whose torture in Hell is to be touched by gay men, so there is hope for you! A guy I know is preposterously homophobic. He didn't speak to me for a month once becuase I took him to work out with me at the gym and he panicked because "there were naked guys in the locker room." I will point him out for you in Hell.

My torture in Hell? Being trapped in an elevator while the Muzak version of Donna Summer's "Love To Love You Baby" plays for all eternity.

Ross Ruediger said...

Hmmm...I was expecting more Odie and less Nader (dreadful, I know...).

I like these manifestos and I also think Jeffrey should do one.

With all this talk of everyone going to hell, heaven's starting to sound awfully appealing what with all that room to move around in and whatnot. I spend enough time as is avoiding crowded places - eternity in a sardine can isn't my idea of a good time...but I guess that's why it's hell, right?

jeffrey said...

Ross...you, too, should join the manifesto club. If you are interested, I'll send an invite. Once you become a member of Liverputty you will have full access to the Liverputty spa and partial access to our time-share jet, assuming Finknottle ever returns it.

Ross Ruediger said...

Jeffrey -

Dammit, man! You hacked my computer, right? Guess what I've been working on (off and on) for the last 24 hours? Yes, A Rued Manifesto is on the way, provided Liverputty will have it.

jeffrey said...

Ross, I thought the stars were aligned thus. A Rued Manifesto would be welcome at Liverputty.

Tuwa said...

Why never trust a vegetarian?

Also, my father was a pedophile. The state didn't put him to death, cancer did. But life kills everyone eventually, so I'm not sure this was any special punishment.

Rasselas said...

Two comments:

1. I'd vote for Jesus, but the Big J isn't likely to run as a Republican.

2. Some progressives don't think that American not killing people left and right is radical enough, but I'd settle for that over universal healthcare.

3. What women want is to be envied by other women.

Edward Copeland said...

Maybe I should do a manifesto too, if Wagstaff would EVER comment on any of the past week's posts (hint hint hint)

odienator said...

Rasselas: 3. What women want is to be envied by other women.

That makes perfect sense. Praise de Lawd, I have SEEN THE LIGHT!! I owe you big time, rasselas!

Tuwa, vegetarians are always telling me how eating meat is like Satan worship, and that meat is going to give me cancer and kill me. Then I see some well-known vegetarians keel over from cancer. Sounds like I was lied to just to forward an agenda of fear. (Kinda like what politicians do! Don't trust them either!) I'm going to die with a steak on my fork and a smile on my face. So mind your damn business, vegetarians!

Tuwa: But life kills everyone eventually, so I'm not sure this was any special punishment.

It should be blatantly obvious why I said pedophiles should be put to death. You are right; it is no special punishment. But it would make me feel better anyway.

odienator said...

Hmmm...I was expecting more Odie and less Nader (dreadful, I know...).


I have no idea what this means. Ralph Nader? 13.72% of this manifesto is about politics, which means that even if I were attempting to parrot Nader's views--which I am not--that still leaves 86.28% of this manifesto. Where did that come from? Unless Ralph Nader is a half-blind Black man who grew up in a New Jersey 'hood, and who appears in my mirror, I don't see how you could make this statement.

Tuwa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
odienator said...

Tuwa, of course I would certainly not wish any harm to your sister. And I also hear what you're saying about the death penalty not being proven as a deterrent to anything, including child molestation. Castration wouldn't even be a deterrent. Of course, you can't sentence somebody to death before convicting them of the crime, so I can't be saying your sister shouldn't exist.

I'm not sorry about that line being in my manifesto. I believe it, which is why it's there. I am sure a lot of victims of pedophiles feel the way I do.

Think about it: why would I make a statement that loaded in a list of my personal philosophies, a list that stems from my experiences here on Earth? Why would I put something so vengeful there? Then ask yourself why I said it was blatantly obvious why I would put it there.

Was it Truffaut who said the best way to criticize a movie is to make another movie? It works with manifestos too. Time to write the Tuwa Manifesto. Jeffrey, you could make a killing off selling space on the Putty for manifesti.

Tuwa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tuwa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wagstaff said...

Any Manifesto worth its salt will have plenty for people to take issue with. I see these things as a courtesy to whatever readers we may have. It puts the given writer's two feet firmly down on the opinion map. Readers will now know where you're coming from and get a rough estimation of the contours of your mind, your dispositions, your peeves, etc. Bravo! Long live Odienator, and the Odiefesto!

Tuwa said...

Those are lousy apologies above.

I was being dense and rude and argumentative. I'm sorry, Odienator.

Ross Ruediger said...

Ross & Odie wrote:

Hmmm...I was expecting more Odie and less Nader (dreadful, I know...).

I have no idea what this means.


OdieNATOR = Odie/Nader. I only made the joke because the political aspects of your manifesto were so nonpartisan. And as I tried to point it, it was a dreadful pun.

Your manifesto rocked, dude - I even printed it out and read it aloud to others this weekend. In many ways it was/is the template for the one I'm currently working on (which no doubt will pale in comparison).

Sheik Yerbootie said...

I will never vote for a Republican for President, even if Jesus were the candidate.

Odd - I always thought the height of civility was voting for the person, not because of party affiliation. :>)

Ted Kennedy has a deal with the Devil. So does Dick Cheney.

Agreed. Although I would posit that Ted's Devil is Chivas - on the rocks.

Please look for little miracles, and be thankful for them.

Amen brother - amen.

The Geico Gekko is the most annoying spokesperson in history.

Not quite. The Cavemen are the most annoying. In particular the one that gets all pissy faced at lunch.

Pedophiles should be put to death.

Or at the very minimum have their genitals nailed to the floor of an old shed, given a dull rusty can opener then told they can escape once you set the shed on fire.

Any company in existence today that made money off slaves should pay reparations, starting with the cotton and tobacco industries.

Would that also include the tribal chiefs and neighboring tribes in Africa who sold them into slavery?

I always root for the bull at the rodeo. I even have a sign that says Bull 3:16 on it.

Is this the Bull 3:16 which says:

"I'm going to open a can of whoop ass on you..."

Odie - a piece of work as always.

Well done.

And I thought I was weird. :>)