Sunday, July 02, 2006

Breakfast Cereal Analysis, Report #0001

Breakfast Cereal is a puzzling paradox: a simple element, even in either state of homogenous or compounded formation, and mathematically stable as represented in the bipolar binomial milk / cereal formulas: 1 + 1 and 1 : 1 and 1 = 1. Yet, this same substance, the Breakfast Cereal, is also a highly complex network of structures within this singular genus, repeated in themes and variations consistently throughout its development, with a wide dynamic range from the very healthy cereals to overdeveloped, dangerously toxic grain-sugar hybrids.

As this substance is rarely, if ever, properly formulated and consumed with the addition of juice, toast and a fried egg as recommended in its completest expression, it merits methodical research and critical analysis to fully comprehend the effects it may or may not have with or without additional substrates when it is utilized at the time of breakfast. In light of the overwhelming numbers of cereals which would demand untold amounts of time and repeated testing, we may attempt a more focused direction upon an especially important variety which merits sober investigation: chocolate cereals.

The specimens are:

Cocoa Puffs
Cocoa Pebbles

The formulations are:

1 milk + 1 cereal = 1 breakfast amalgam
1 milk : 1 cereal ratio fifty percentile
1 milk + 1 cereal
1 bowl = 1 breakfast amalgam

Exhibit A: OREO O’s

After much deliberation, the POST Cereals Marketing Department finally realized that no one has brought the wholesome goodness of OREO cookies to the breakfast table. Thus, KRAFT Foods, Inc., the “Good Food Ideas” company invite you to enjoy a bowl of “Fun-to-Crunch” OREO O’s, in spite of their registered assertion that this is “BREAKFAST DONE RIGHT”. OREO O’s are top-of-the-line, one of the most expensive cereals available, a caviar of cereals. This can only be attributed to scientifically complex levels of sugar manipulation.

Analysis reveals a chalky, hyperchocolated flavor which is of a similar flavor component to the OREO cookie format. The aftertaste is somewhat unpleasant and lingers upon the tongue unnaturally, revealing a familiar ‘saccharine’ undertone found in many oversweetened cereals. As expected, the sweetness saturation point had been well exceeded, and the milk is immediately overtaken by the chocolate particulates suffused throughout the cereal. The milk is transformed into a vehicle of the cereals agenda. Over time, the milk/cereal formation registers high on the toxicity scale as it seems to have a short and inverted lifespan.

When the OREO O’s cereal is placed upon the tongue in a dry state, without the addition of milk, it is the saliva which becomes the vehicle for the chocolate/sugar particulates, and the rapid absorption could potentially create critical rash or burn to exposed, unprotected flesh. Extreme caution is necessary, prolonged exposure could be damaging.

The dense, dark, threatening black chocolateness flavor of the OREO type is markedly different from the softer creamy brown ‘cocoa’ type of chocolateness flavor found within the Puff or Pebble variety. This difference has been amplified through associations of the black OREO chocolate flavor with ‘cream’, and the cocoa brown type flavor with ‘milk’. Therefore, when The Puff and Pebble ‘cocoa’ type flavors are introduced, this creates a ‘chocolate milk’ effect within the lactic fluid, whereas the black chocolate effect of the OREO O’s specimen produces an unusual unchocolate midtone grey such as commonly found in filthy bathwater.


“Sonny” the “crazy” “bird” and his out-of-control fixation with this branded variety of cereal is a hauntingly accurate portrayal of the unhealthy side effects users of this prescriptive may expect if or when exceeding standard allowable dosages. Step-down treatments and behavior modification programs are sometimes effective, but as observed from his weakened demeanor, attempting to separate Sonny from the Cocoa Puffs for any length of time provokes severe withdrawl reactions. Sonny is a case study with a clear warning, a role model of painful consequences.

Structurally, the architecture of the Puff form is faulty and its technical performance weak and ineffective. The Puff spheres are not of compact, integrated design, wherein they will not incorporate and layer together as Flake types or compound as Granules, Granulars or Particulates can. Instead, the Puffs surfaces repel with a neutralized electrical field surrounding the corn shell.

This is neither confluent nor organic with visceral structures such as that children may possess and the introduction of the one into the other causes an odd and confusing variety of disruptive effects. Physical, psychological, temporal and sexual faculties may or may not have minor or severe side effects from eating Cocoa Puffs. Ask your doctor if Cocoa Puffs are right for you.


Cocoa Pebbles, another “Good Ideas Food” TM from the KRAFT/POST Foods Complex, has a chocolate foundation remarkably similar in formula to OREO O’s with the primary exception of the coloration factor being that the Pebble form retains the more traditional brown ‘milk’ hue common in chocolate milk. The Cocoa Pebbles chocolate taste is traditional and familiar, an evocative, emotive taste distinct in candy bars. This flavor has been well-tested through a variety of focus groups and extensively researched, determining associations between aromas and emotions. It took over three years to determine the blend of fifteen flavor components to create the taste of Cocoa Pebbles, and research continues to this day.

An influential component within the Pebble form is the Flintstone Agenda. The Flintstones were immediately identified by cereal experts as the powerful agents they turned out to be. The Flintstones continue to be one of the cereal industry’s longstanding success stories. Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble have held their positions in the Cereal 100 since their arrival and continue their success as heavy players in the industry, despite ongoing tabloid rumors and accusations.

The Rice Particulate form is harmonized integration design at its finest. With cool homogenous minimalism, clusters of Rice Particulates manage relationships of form and space with elegant simplicity. The power of milk is harnessed by Intelligent Design within Rice forms which transform the wet aspects of the milk with seemingly unbelievable incredulous adhesive qualities. These sorts of transformations can and could, over time, create types of cereal based pastes unlike any we have ever seen before.

The reader is invited to draw his and or her own conclusions.


Wagstaff said...

This reader has drawn a conclusion: Farm Boy thinks Cocoa Pebbles rock!

Finknottle said...

Ah, yes, Farm Boy, I believe I've seen youe in the Liverputty laboratories working long into the night. I'm glad to see your researches have borne fruit! I have been marvelling at the cereal universe since my first introdution to its complexity. Youre distillation of the subject is deft and clearly elaborated. I look forward to youre next Reporte with high anticipation! Kudos, Finknottle

Jeffrey said...

Very interesting report, Farm Boy. I'm trying to remember which of the three cereals you studied has the ritalin included in it (for a balanced diet). I wanna say it was Coco Puffs, but it doesn't seem that "Sonny" is on any type of medication.

Charlie Parsley said...

Follow Up

It would be very interesting to use the information gained from report #0001 and apply it to the Rat Park study of addiction. Does sugar qualify as having addictive qualities such as medications do.

Further study is necessary to be sure.

Yet my study is unfocused. Other subjects of research include but are not limited to: monster movies, blueberry muffins, pickup trucks, disco music, magazines and such

This is in addition to the excitement of putting up hay. We're making hay at the farm. Summertime, that's the time to make hay. It's true.